Dramatic (but good!) weekend

Smitten had to cancel on me Friday night (legitimate work related). But I was hoping he'd invite me over after, but... he didn't. I've been pulling back all week, and have heard almost nothing from him, so this, well, was the last straw. I don't want to have a boyfriend who'll never call.

So, I talked to him Saturday. Very calmly suggested that we go back to just dating, that we probably put too much pressure on things with the BF thing, and to just relax and have fun. He did NOT like this idea at all. I explained to him that I have certain minimal expectations for a boyfriend, and if he doesn't want to do them, that's fine, but then we can't be exclusive. (I'm actually super impressed with myself by how calmly and undemanding I said this). He asked what my expectations were. I said seeing him more than once a week, him calling or emailing or something at least every couple days, and coming to important acting gigs, if he doesn't have a super important conflict.

He agreed to this, said his behavior will change. He did come to my gig this weekend, and has been super great about contacting me and making plans...so far. Not holding my breath, but things are much much better.

On The Smitten Roller Coaster

Ug.

I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this Smitten thing. When things are good, they're great, but when they're bad, they're (for me, anyway) awful.

Basically, it just seems like 'he's just not that into me.'

This weekend was actually pretty great. A totally romantic Friday V-day, that went super well. I ended up seeing him 4 days in a row (we've never even seen each other 2 days in a row, so that was pretty major) and they were mostly great days.

After our romantic night at the opera, we went to a party where this jerk spilled beer all over my silk dress, twice, then started making comments about Smitten and me being all lovey-dovey. Smitten didn't respond appropriately, which upset me, so we actually left and I totally opened up to him, tearing up, telling him how I felt, all open and such. He did try, I think, but totally didn't know how to handle my vulnerability. Which made me feel that much worse.

He made up for it by coming over late Saturday, but I had to leave early on Sunday for rehearsal... and then.... nothing. (To be fair, he had to work the rest of the weekend. Yuck.) I emailed him to ask him to help me run lines, which he agreed to but only if I could meet him after 9, so I saw him super late last night, and he was super tired and went to bed after about an hour. This is the first time we haven't been physical together. And this morning, things seemed awkward, too.

I'm also pretty bummed because I have a big important gig this weekend, and he's on call for work, so he says he can't come. I'm not sure how much I believe this, because if his blackberry goes off and he has to run off, that's fine -- I even said as much. But he's going to be on call at his friend's party instead.

So now I feel like ... well ... crap. Like he does what I want if I ask, but he doesn't initiate much. And I probably freaked him with all my vulnerability. Which is shitty, because if you can't be vulnerable with someone you're dating, well, honestly, what's the point?

V-day Recap

Sooo, yesterday was the big day. And.... I don't know what to think about it.

Basically Smitten and I decided to split our Valentine's celebration. He's planning a big dress-up event on Friday, so I was responsible for yesterday. So I said I'd buy dinner, and I got him a few little gifts, and a card, and was all tarted up for his pleasure.... and he gave me....

cupcakes.

Yeah. Granted, they were super-special cupcakes from my favorite place in the world, and he went out of his way, but honestly, I was a bit disappointed. I know he's planning a big thing Friday (I hope he comes through) but I feel like I went WAAAAAY more out than he did. Maybe not--we'll see Friday. But still. Yuck. I hate that feeling.

Had an impromptu night out with Smitten last night. He emailed to invite me to join his happy hour crowd. Confidence rebuilt and with a new perspective, I strode into the bar and had the most lovely time. Yes, even at the beginning, before I had been drinking. I was my best, most confident, cocky-funny, teasing self. I could only stay for an hour, as I had to meet with some theatre folks later, but when I invited him to join (fully expecting him to decline) he accepted. He got along swimmingly with my friends, I seemed to get on with his. We even had a little heart-to-heart later in the evening--I was starting to think this guy had no feelings, so that was a good thing. And then he slept over. He is, by far, the most awesome cuddler. He wraps his big arms around me and holds me tight all night. Yum.

When I'm confident with him, he's all over me. When I'm not, then.... not so much. Interesting how that works, isn't it?

Realization

I think (hope) I've finally gotten a handle on this Smitten thing. I had a realization: he's not my boyfriend.

I really think that's where the trouble is. Because we are calling each other BF/GF, I'm expecting a set of behavior from him. Calls, emails checking in, seeing each other 2-3x a week. I'm not getting that. So I've been unhappy.

But it's not even been 3 months since we've met. And because I always insist on exclusivity before sleeping with someone, he agreed to that. But if I hadn't done that, we'd probably still just be dating, at this point, and I'd be just as neurotic, wondering if he's my BF or not.

So I've decided, mentally, that he's not. Not until he starts acting like a BF. Does this mean I'm going to see other people? Of course not. But it does mean that I'm going to expect nothing, just as if he were some guy I've been non-exclusively dating for a couple months. If I hear from him, bonus. If I don't, oh well.

This new attitude has already served me well. Last night my phone beeped with a text message. Last week I would have jumped to it, thinking "is it him?" Instead, I assumed it was a friend of mine, went to check it, and was pleasantly surprized to find that it was Smitten, checking in on me. By not expecting anything from him, I can only be happy when I hear from him, not disappointed when I don't.

I have discovered that things only seem to really click with Smitten when we've been drinking. Our last two encounters have been, while not entirely alcohol-free, certainly more sober, and I haven't gotten even a bit of a buzz. So of course, I can't let go of all of my insecurities and just have fun. Instead I sit there, over-analyzing everything I've said. "Why did you say that? No! Doh! You're coming off as maybe-slightly-a little bit needy!!! Stop!!!"

The alcohol helps. A lot. Last weekend we went out and got tipsy together. I had a great time, he seemed to have a great time. We laughed, and giggled, and made out, and generally had a blast. This weekend, not so much. Though this was not anyone's fault but my own. (I actually did have a lot of fun this weekend, but more due to the great company of my pals than Smitten.)

I'm really having trouble with this whole relationship thing. And I realize more and more that this is 100% my issue. Smitten is doing nothing wrong. No, he's not confessing his undying love for me, but really, should he? That would be freaky. It's only been a couple months. As a friend said, "How would you feel if he gave you a pre-engagement ring on V-day?" Um, yeah, no. I would totally freak out, and not in a good way.

In the past all (yeah, pretty much all) of my relationships have been a lot about validation. Some guy falls all over me and tells me how pretty and smart and fun and special I am. And I lap it up. And though this feels great (I miss my ex almost every day because he was so good at this) is this really what healthy relationships are about? I shouldn't be seeking validation from my partner. But my entire romantic history has led me to want/need/expect just that.

Isn't it validation enough that he wants to be with me, alone, eschewing all others? That he wants to spend every Saturday night with me, and perhaps one night during the week as well? That he sends cute emails 2-3x a week, clearly composed to be funny and charming? He has mentioned spending time on St. Paddys, during baseball season, and several summertime events. A guy having second thoughts wouldn't be saying this stuff. And when I do reach out to him when I haven't heard from him, usually via text message, he always responds (with something adorable and charming) within the hour.

They say actions speak louder than words, and his actions are all positive. No, he isn't fawning all over me. He doesn't want to spend every waking second with me. But is that really what I want? (Insecure me says "YES!" but rational me disagrees.)

Note to self: Whatever happens with this dude, this relationship is good for me. I need to learn to not seek validation in others. God I have a lot of work to do.