Sunday, April 08, 2007

Update... and Epiphany

Smitten has been pretty great the last few weeks. He's given me everything I've asked for--daily contact, hangouts 3-4 times a week, a lot more attention. We had a little relapse last week, but it righted itself pretty quickly. But I've still been upset. I've been upset with this relationship from the beginning. Feeling insecure, not being sure where things stood, feeling like he "just wasn't that into me" ... but not being sure.

At last, I've figured it out. After a long heart-to-heart with my roommate, we've discovered where all this insecurity is coming from. I can't read him.

As an actress, it's my job to read people. And I'm pretty good at it. I can tell if people are in a bad mood, feeling happy, sad, whathaveyou, just by reading their body language. And the same is true of boys. Over the years I've become great at reading men. I can pretty much tell if they think I'm relationship material, fodder for a good lay, or completely uninterested from the get-go. But Smitten is pretty closed-off, and as a result, I can read NOTHING. I can't tell if his stroking my arm is an indication of his attraction, an attempt to throw me off track, a clue he wants to sleep with me, whatever. I can't read him at all. And over the past few months, I haven't learned much--I can't tell what he's thinking, what he thinks about us. And I've never felt like this before. I've never NOT been able to read someone. Granted, I don't always like what I read, but I can always read somebody. Not true with Smitten. This explains a LOT.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't like that I can't read him -- but at least I know where my insecurity is coming from, now. Thank god for roommates!!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

All your posts about Smitten make it seem like you're in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. He's a lot better looking than any guy you've ever dated and you want to hold on to that, innit?

April 08, 2007 4:18 AM  
Blogger Princess Extraordinaire said...

Maybe it's good that you can't read him - it may throw you off balence for a bit but maybe it's a blessing

April 09, 2007 3:22 PM  
Blogger Sandman said...

Very interesting read indeed. I do, believe, like you implied yourself, that you're totally over analyzing. I would simply start enjoying the moment. Just let go and enjoy the seconds, minutes, hours you two are together. Eventually "the truth" will come out and if it's an unpleasant one, at least you know you had some great times.

April 09, 2007 9:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would it be possible to tell him exactly this? Maybe he'll understand and start to open up. If not then it'll really show whether he cares for your insecurities or not.

Hope this helps. keep up the good work!


April 11, 2007 9:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Reading these posts reminds me of the trajectory of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Always asking for more (time, effort, etc.), but never quite satisfied.

In the end, you have to ask yourself: Are you looking for a person to fit into the category "boyfriend," of which you have all sort of expectations (and thus never satisfied), or are you truly happy to be with Smitten, himself?

If you let this get out of control, it will destroy your relationship. Because, not only will you not be happy, but it will make him frustrated and unhappy as well.

April 11, 2007 2:08 PM  
Blogger londongirl said...

Being able to read someone isn't that important really - surely you need to judge him on his actions? You say yourself that he's calling, spending time iwth you and communicating better - have faith! Smitten sounds lovely.

April 11, 2007 3:49 PM  
Blogger Miss Demielle said...

Gosh I hate that!!! My husband is like that. He says; well it keeps you guessing! I rather not!

April 12, 2007 10:46 PM  
Anonymous R said...

I'm sorry at how bitchy this must sound, but can you explain this to me?
"As an actress, it's my job to read people. And I'm pretty good at it. I can tell if people are in a bad mood, feeling happy, sad, whathaveyou, just by reading their body language."

How has being an actress got anything to do with "reading people"? I thought actors were isolated by the stage lights and pretty much unable to see or hear anything except their audience's applause. An actor's job is to have explicit emotions and body language of their own, so that other people can read them...

May 04, 2007 3:54 AM  
Blogger Vociferous Beauty said...

I think my man and your man may be the same person!
It's odd.
I have the same feeling.
My radar is usually very in tune, but I have the nauseousness, and the shakes and I'm constantly wondering if he's thinking about me. We've sat down and he's expressed that he likes me a lot-and not to worry. I'm worrying.
I've never been in this situation before. I've always known where I stood. They like me, they treat me to dinner or to me and have actual conversations with me.
Here-with him?- I'm a wreck, always looking for clarification. Text messaging has become my favorite thing b/c I don't know if I should call or not. I know he's not for me. I'm working way too hard on it, and almost forcing it to work. He keeps saying go with the flow, let it happen...but I can't. I can't just not talk to him all day or get home and have him call me 5mins b4 going out! I need the structure I need him to want me. I need to be #1.
I don't think I am.
I was in love with him in elementary school...I guess a stupid girls dream would be to rekindle and figure that it was fate. That we're meant to be!
It's all BS.
We're not meant to be anything but friends who have sex....
I hate coming to terms with it.
I hate thinking I have to let go, when I can see the potential.
When I've fallen in love with the little looks and the nose rubs, the stares from across the car/table.
The breathy kisses...
Sad sad sad.

May 05, 2007 11:44 AM  

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