On The Smitten Roller Coaster
Ug.
I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this Smitten thing. When things are good, they're great, but when they're bad, they're (for me, anyway) awful.
Basically, it just seems like 'he's just not that into me.'
This weekend was actually pretty great. A totally romantic Friday V-day, that went super well. I ended up seeing him 4 days in a row (we've never even seen each other 2 days in a row, so that was pretty major) and they were mostly great days.
After our romantic night at the opera, we went to a party where this jerk spilled beer all over my silk dress, twice, then started making comments about Smitten and me being all lovey-dovey. Smitten didn't respond appropriately, which upset me, so we actually left and I totally opened up to him, tearing up, telling him how I felt, all open and such. He did try, I think, but totally didn't know how to handle my vulnerability. Which made me feel that much worse.
He made up for it by coming over late Saturday, but I had to leave early on Sunday for rehearsal... and then.... nothing. (To be fair, he had to work the rest of the weekend. Yuck.) I emailed him to ask him to help me run lines, which he agreed to but only if I could meet him after 9, so I saw him super late last night, and he was super tired and went to bed after about an hour. This is the first time we haven't been physical together. And this morning, things seemed awkward, too.
I'm also pretty bummed because I have a big important gig this weekend, and he's on call for work, so he says he can't come. I'm not sure how much I believe this, because if his blackberry goes off and he has to run off, that's fine -- I even said as much. But he's going to be on call at his friend's party instead.
So now I feel like ... well ... crap. Like he does what I want if I ask, but he doesn't initiate much. And I probably freaked him with all my vulnerability. Which is shitty, because if you can't be vulnerable with someone you're dating, well, honestly, what's the point?
I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this Smitten thing. When things are good, they're great, but when they're bad, they're (for me, anyway) awful.
Basically, it just seems like 'he's just not that into me.'
This weekend was actually pretty great. A totally romantic Friday V-day, that went super well. I ended up seeing him 4 days in a row (we've never even seen each other 2 days in a row, so that was pretty major) and they were mostly great days.
After our romantic night at the opera, we went to a party where this jerk spilled beer all over my silk dress, twice, then started making comments about Smitten and me being all lovey-dovey. Smitten didn't respond appropriately, which upset me, so we actually left and I totally opened up to him, tearing up, telling him how I felt, all open and such. He did try, I think, but totally didn't know how to handle my vulnerability. Which made me feel that much worse.
He made up for it by coming over late Saturday, but I had to leave early on Sunday for rehearsal... and then.... nothing. (To be fair, he had to work the rest of the weekend. Yuck.) I emailed him to ask him to help me run lines, which he agreed to but only if I could meet him after 9, so I saw him super late last night, and he was super tired and went to bed after about an hour. This is the first time we haven't been physical together. And this morning, things seemed awkward, too.
I'm also pretty bummed because I have a big important gig this weekend, and he's on call for work, so he says he can't come. I'm not sure how much I believe this, because if his blackberry goes off and he has to run off, that's fine -- I even said as much. But he's going to be on call at his friend's party instead.
So now I feel like ... well ... crap. Like he does what I want if I ask, but he doesn't initiate much. And I probably freaked him with all my vulnerability. Which is shitty, because if you can't be vulnerable with someone you're dating, well, honestly, what's the point?
posted by Pretty Polly at 1:46 PM
10 Comments:
Ugh is right--you definitely deserve WAY better treatment after 2+ months of dating. Not to be harsh, but if he was really worth your time he'd be at the event for you this weekend...not his friend's party.
Argghghgh. Know how you feel. Been there. But if you like him, all you can do is keep calm, be interested but busy. See friends. Don't apologise for the vulnerability, but seem normal (if poss - I am rubbish at this).
I hope it works out.
I'd give it a little more time. Often, guys don't want to come off as being overly eager-even after 2+months of dating. If it still doesn't feel right by the end of the 3rd month, then cut it off.
Hmmmm...reading this, I hadn't realized that you had been going out for over months. So with that in mind, that is totally unacceptable. Don't apologize for being vulnerable because you are allowed to.
I would give it some time, busy yourself and see what happens. He might just be going through a phase (Men do get PMS, I swear), and see if he comes around. He might be going through some stuff at the moment and just needs to figure out what he wants.
But like crazy girl said, dont give it TOO much time either. You know what you want and dont settle for less
I've been in this kind of situation and the uncertainty sucks! I won't tell you to try not to worry about it because that is easier said than done. Maybe, instead, pick a date and if things don't feel like a "comfortable" relationship by then, try to move on. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. It's not fair.
You're BOTH vulnerable right now -you've only been dating a couple of months and you were prolly just picking up on vibes that weren't there. You wereboth tired and you both have your own lives to live. I would definitely be open and as honest as you can be without sounding too needy ( only because 2 months is not a long time ) however maybe he is looking for some kind of vulnerability - you sound like a really together person who may intimidate guys. Anyway, I think everything will work itself out. Wait and see - I know giving it time sucks, but it works! ALl the best!
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Well, I'll throw in a male perspective here, and say that 2+ months for a fellow isn't necessarily a significant amount of time. You obviously know best how it's been between you, but it's possible that while you're saying "it's been over two months!" he's thinking "god, it's only been two months!"
And I wonder, if while we're all questioning his responses to Polly's needs and how he's not meeting them, if he's got some needs of his own that he may feel she isn't responding to. Valentine's Day, four days in a row seeing one another, responding "appropriately" to the drunken beer spiller, her big gig this weekend, Polly's a busy girl and wants her fellow to support her, which is totally legit, but it goes both ways. If Smitten had a blog would he be posting about how he really likes Polly, but she just doesn't seem to understand what he needs and wants and from her, and how she wants everything on her own terms?
I am NOT saying that is the case - merely that it could be. The whole guy-gal thing, and all. He may not be into you. Or, he may be wondering if you're all that into him - as a person, not merely as a "boyfriend" -- and so he's pulling away.
Guys are often very sensitive to the overwhelming expectations women have for them. Expectations which tend to come out around the 3 month mark. Which is why we dump so many of our girlfriends at around the three month mark.
I'm with your other commenters - gear down, turbo and cut him some slack, and see what happens.
If "he's just not that in to you" then no analysis needed, but I'm going to make the assumption that he is in to you, and try to explain his behavior, as it sounds a lot like relationships I've been in.
Guys are often very sensitive to the overwhelming expectations women have for them.
I think Dan hit the nail right on your head. You're probably right that the lad could have handled the drink spilling incident better, and that he could be more "supportive". But, after 4 days straight for the fist time, the fella could be having "me time" withdraw, which for us boys means instant lack of sensitivity....often coupled with a heightened sense of how we are being insensitive on the part of ladies. The more consecutive time we've spent with a woman, the more overwhelming these expectations seem.
For the lad, he could be thinking "why is she so high maintenence" at this point. Note, though that if the same situation had occurred on day 1 after not seeing each other for several days, it might have been completely different.
Also, he may or may not be aware of this. Even if he later determines that he should have acted differently or made different choices, it doesn't mean that the situation would be any less unpleasant for him. Us guys think "she know I care about her. so, why all the drama? why does this have to be so difficult?" Of course you're thinking "if he really cared about me he'd have acted like this or made these choices." But, even when we guys figure out how to meet a girls emotional needs (usually by offering some expanded and seemingly authentic version of "there, there") we still find it merely a task we have to endure to be with this lovely person the rest of the time. My guess is he hasn't learned how to meet those needs.
Ah, but here it comes. If you say "if he's faking it, I don't want him anyway." Well, we're not really faking it, we just don't think like chicks. We don't feel jilted or insecure about the same things, and getting over insecurity is a different process for men, so unless we learn what the women folk need, we can't provide it--we just don't know inately.
Ok, so where to now? I'd say try to have a short (brevity is key) convo about what your needs are in the times when you're feeling insecure. Don't bring it up when you're feeling insecure and at risk of crying, though. It really helps to be somewhat detatched when describing this to a guy, and you should do it in an almost clinical fashion. Like it's an interesting scentific phenomenon. And whatever you do, don't let it sound in any way like you're saying "you did it all wrong." [this is where the girl needs to "fake it" when communicating to the guy so his needs are met] It needs to sound like "when these circumstances are present, if you can do/say x and y, I might not become so sad/emotional/hurt or what have you.
Now, the hard part. This first conversation will have no effect. Unfortunatly, he might even say "well, that's ridiculous. you shouldn't feel that way." Don't hate him for this. He says that because he wouldn't feel that way. Anyway, the third or fourth time it might work, though. This all may not be fair, and maybe you do deserve someone who just "gets you" but quite frankly, that's just somebody who learned most of these lessons somewhere else.
I hate to say it, but you are right. He's just not that into you. He didn't stand up for you when someone spilled on you, and didn't make you feel as you should when you opened up to him. Sorry girl...
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