Sloooooooooow and steady?
Things with Smitten are going well... but slowly. Very slowly. Painfully slowly (especially in comparison to IBF). We did not exchange Xmas presents (I didn't want to bring it up, though I did buy him something. He didn't mention it, so I didn't give him the book I purchased. I guess if we're still together on Valentine's Day...).
Had a pretty great New Years. I met his friends--we all seemed to like each other. He met my friends-- they all seemed to like him. So that was good.
We now have this pattern of seeing each other 1x a week, for about 24 hours. Usually Sat afternoon-Sun afternoon. Plus 2-3 email exchanges a week. Not much. He doesn't really feel like my boyfriend--he doesn't call, like, ever, or ever want to get together during the week. And I don't want to bring it up--I don't want to be pushy or whatever. What's weird, though, is that in every other relationship I've had, the guy has always been the one to say "I don't see you enough! When can we get together? I miss you!" So I'm not sure how to deal with this problem. And all those stupid dating books (which yes, I admit to reading) are no help. They all say the same thing: "date other people!" but I a) do not want to do that, and b) have already agreed to exclusivity, so that's out. Any ideas for how to get him to want to see me more often? I'd hate to think he's just not that into me... (But he does contact me 2-3 times a week, and almost always initiates weekend plans, so I don't think that's totally the case...)
I've been trying not to blog, since I really like this guy and would die if he found this thing. But I'm so friggin neurotic about him that I need a place to vent. So... expect more posts, perhaps?
Had a pretty great New Years. I met his friends--we all seemed to like each other. He met my friends-- they all seemed to like him. So that was good.
We now have this pattern of seeing each other 1x a week, for about 24 hours. Usually Sat afternoon-Sun afternoon. Plus 2-3 email exchanges a week. Not much. He doesn't really feel like my boyfriend--he doesn't call, like, ever, or ever want to get together during the week. And I don't want to bring it up--I don't want to be pushy or whatever. What's weird, though, is that in every other relationship I've had, the guy has always been the one to say "I don't see you enough! When can we get together? I miss you!" So I'm not sure how to deal with this problem. And all those stupid dating books (which yes, I admit to reading) are no help. They all say the same thing: "date other people!" but I a) do not want to do that, and b) have already agreed to exclusivity, so that's out. Any ideas for how to get him to want to see me more often? I'd hate to think he's just not that into me... (But he does contact me 2-3 times a week, and almost always initiates weekend plans, so I don't think that's totally the case...)
I've been trying not to blog, since I really like this guy and would die if he found this thing. But I'm so friggin neurotic about him that I need a place to vent. So... expect more posts, perhaps?
posted by Pretty Polly at 2:33 PM
20 Comments:
I can't help you with the how to get to see him more often, but I can say that the lady who writes Grateful Dating (on your blogroll) has just been through the same thing. Good luck!
I think it's hilarious that "Logical Guy" mentions that I just went through the same thing. Well, hopefully you are not going through EXACTLY the same thing...your guy seems to be initiating things more, which is GOOD.
Anyway, I wouldn't want to date other people either. What I do suggest is that you keep yourself busy and make plans with other people as opportunities arise--at the risk of not being available on the weekend. You can also talk to him about the situation and see how he sees it. Maybe he's worried about being too pushy--who knows? Talking about it in a calm way shouldn't hurt anything. It's ok to ask for what you want.
Good luck.
Play it cool. Repeat: play it cool. I have learned far too often that when you get the point where you don't think you have to play it cool anymore, well, that's when it's most important of all to play it cool.
Sigh.
does he have a really hectic work schedule? maybe that's why he doesn't initiate during the week activities?
I don't know....I would say play it cool but I wouldn't not say anything at all. I would probably say broach the subject in a non-judgemental or accusatory type of way (and yep I read all those books too)!!! Good luck and let us know how it goes ;)
I think we need more information. As other commenters asked, why no weeknight action? When you say lets meet for drinks on tuesday, or watch a movie on thursday, what does he say? "I can't" and leave it at that or "I have to work late, and get up early for work because I'm trying to make partner."
Since you've met his friends I'd say there's really no fear of you just being the weekend pussy, but find out what else is going on.
As for the no phone thing, I wouldn't let that bother you. Lots of guys just don't give good phone. It's certainly not my favored means of communication.
Folks, to be fair to him, I have made absolutely ZERO attempt to get together during the week. I've always been with guys who've had no problem taking the lead.
But, he's now asked me out for this Thursday (to meet another friend), as well as this Sat, so things seem to be on a better track. Just as I was about to say something. I swear it's because I didn't respond to his prior email (I wasn't being coy, just trying to think of the right thing to say).
Remain coy.
It sounds like you want to see him.
I don't know if this is breaking "the rules", but ask him to something. I love a girl who'll make an effort see me, and tell me (flat out tell me) she wants me around. It's at least my take on the term "mutual relationship."
I don't know if this helps -- something tells me you already know this.
Everyone appreciates honesty in a relationship so just be honest with him about how you feel. He is your boyfriend and not some strange vagrant. If you felt close enough to sleep with him, then you should feel close enough to be honest with him.
Hope your Thursday date went well! :)
Make sure he's not leading a double-life.
One suggestion above all others: NEVER tell him you have a blog. The only way the guys are finding it is because you are telling them it's out there.... stop telling, they don't need to know!!!
That implies building a Chinese wall between your online life and your real life.
Chinese wall? Don't be silly. Just don't tell them you have a blog- there are so many other more interesting things to talk about. Why does it have to be mentioned? What good can come out of it? Why would anyone want a new boyfriend to have a window on all of their most personal thoughts and feelings? I say let them find out about you naturally...don't tell them!
You have the stability of a boyfriend with all the free time you want: sounds like a decent situation to me. Wanting to see him more can only be a good thing, right? I wouldn't want to pressure him-it wouldn't work on you, would it?
If you're feeling this anxious over the relationship, don't you think that'sa red flag? There's something very odd about the fact that he only tries to see you once a week. Just sayin'.
If you're not getting enough of what you want and you're dating, that's a BAD thing. Also, if you're not initating anything - he probably thinks you're not that into him. A relationship, once you're in it, requires give on both sides. I agree you should break the routine, and call or email him to say "hi, just thinking about you."
Even if you like him and don't want to ruin things, if you're not getting enough, you're setting yourself for a really bad future! And believe me, I've seen plenty of those bad futures ending in the divorce buisness! (my site: www.moddivorce.com)
Best,
H
www.moddivorce.typepad.com
I've got the same problem - the guy only wants to see me once a week. Moxie's comment has freaked me a little I guess...
OK. deep breath. keep cool. maybe your good luck will rub off on me?
Guurrrl.
You better get "Why Men Marry B*tches".
Alot of the info is common sense, but she really excels in breaking down how crucial it is for women to strong, sexy and unpredictible.
Not being, ahem, hurts at first, but the return on investment has been amazing.
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