I have discovered that things only seem to really click with Smitten when we've been drinking. Our last two encounters have been, while not entirely alcohol-free, certainly more sober, and I haven't gotten even a bit of a buzz. So of course, I can't let go of all of my insecurities and just have fun. Instead I sit there, over-analyzing everything I've said. "Why did you say that? No! Doh! You're coming off as maybe-slightly-a little bit needy!!! Stop!!!"
The alcohol helps. A lot. Last weekend we went out and got tipsy together. I had a great time, he seemed to have a great time. We laughed, and giggled, and made out, and generally had a blast. This weekend, not so much. Though this was not anyone's fault but my own. (I actually did have a lot of fun this weekend, but more due to the great company of my pals than Smitten.)
I'm really having trouble with this whole relationship thing. And I realize more and more that this is 100% my issue. Smitten is doing nothing wrong. No, he's not confessing his undying love for me, but really, should he? That would be freaky. It's only been a couple months. As a friend said, "How would you feel if he gave you a pre-engagement ring on V-day?" Um, yeah, no. I would totally freak out, and not in a good way.
In the past all (yeah, pretty much all) of my relationships have been a lot about validation. Some guy falls all over me and tells me how pretty and smart and fun and special I am. And I lap it up. And though this feels great (I miss my ex almost every day because he was so good at this) is this really what healthy relationships are about? I shouldn't be seeking validation from my partner. But my entire romantic history has led me to want/need/expect just that.
Isn't it validation enough that he wants to be with me, alone, eschewing all others? That he wants to spend every Saturday night with me, and perhaps one night during the week as well? That he sends cute emails 2-3x a week, clearly composed to be funny and charming? He has mentioned spending time on St. Paddys, during baseball season, and several summertime events. A guy having second thoughts wouldn't be saying this stuff. And when I do reach out to him when I haven't heard from him, usually via text message, he always responds (with something adorable and charming) within the hour.
They say actions speak louder than words, and his actions are all positive. No, he isn't fawning all over me. He doesn't want to spend every waking second with me. But is that really what I want? (Insecure me says "YES!" but rational me disagrees.)
Note to self: Whatever happens with this dude, this relationship is good for me. I need to learn to not seek validation in others. God I have a lot of work to do.
The alcohol helps. A lot. Last weekend we went out and got tipsy together. I had a great time, he seemed to have a great time. We laughed, and giggled, and made out, and generally had a blast. This weekend, not so much. Though this was not anyone's fault but my own. (I actually did have a lot of fun this weekend, but more due to the great company of my pals than Smitten.)
I'm really having trouble with this whole relationship thing. And I realize more and more that this is 100% my issue. Smitten is doing nothing wrong. No, he's not confessing his undying love for me, but really, should he? That would be freaky. It's only been a couple months. As a friend said, "How would you feel if he gave you a pre-engagement ring on V-day?" Um, yeah, no. I would totally freak out, and not in a good way.
In the past all (yeah, pretty much all) of my relationships have been a lot about validation. Some guy falls all over me and tells me how pretty and smart and fun and special I am. And I lap it up. And though this feels great (I miss my ex almost every day because he was so good at this) is this really what healthy relationships are about? I shouldn't be seeking validation from my partner. But my entire romantic history has led me to want/need/expect just that.
Isn't it validation enough that he wants to be with me, alone, eschewing all others? That he wants to spend every Saturday night with me, and perhaps one night during the week as well? That he sends cute emails 2-3x a week, clearly composed to be funny and charming? He has mentioned spending time on St. Paddys, during baseball season, and several summertime events. A guy having second thoughts wouldn't be saying this stuff. And when I do reach out to him when I haven't heard from him, usually via text message, he always responds (with something adorable and charming) within the hour.
They say actions speak louder than words, and his actions are all positive. No, he isn't fawning all over me. He doesn't want to spend every waking second with me. But is that really what I want? (Insecure me says "YES!" but rational me disagrees.)
Note to self: Whatever happens with this dude, this relationship is good for me. I need to learn to not seek validation in others. God I have a lot of work to do.
posted by Pretty Polly at 11:22 AM
4 Comments:
Good God I know that feeling. It's like you constantly have to double-check your feelings, to figure out whether they're stemming from some temporary bout of insecurity or are well-founded due to actions/circumstances, etc.
You know I've been feeling something similar to this lately in regards to my husband. In all my other relationships, the men fell all over me. I loved the validation, but with my husband we have a really deep friendship that is amazing. I've never experienced that with anyone, but sometimes I find myself questioning myself about our marriage because he doesn't go over the top with falling all over me. But would I really want that? I think that is probably why my other relationships didn't work out. We lacked that deep friendship that, in my opinion, every marriage should have. I don't even know if what I just said makes any sense. In my mind it does, but when I write it out, it sounds strange.
Polly:
From what I gather, Smitten is definitely into you. He is just confident enough (and therefore the in relationship) not to take things at warp speed. From reading your blog, your last relationship partially broke down because things seem to be rushed.
I want to congratulate you- you are self-aware to realize that you are the center of this problem. Now you need to take steps to deal with it if you don't want to mess things. One of the things I've been learning as of late is that women who have their shit together are much more attractive to guys than those that don't. You have the package- you are pretty, smart, outgoing. Smitten knows those things- that's why he's with you and that's why he doesn't constantly validate you. He believes you know those things. Show him you do.
Stim/CGC:
It's so nice to know I'm not going through this alone!!! I don't know why I'm so prone to seek validation in my sig. other. *sigh*
Rockthefaces:
Like a claddah ring. Sometimes called a "promise" ring. Usually done with younger folks--early 20s, or given by guys who want to propose but don't quite have the dough for a big engagement ring. If he gave me one, I would be super freaked out.
Judy:
Thanks so much!!! Your comment means a lot (esp. since you've seen us together). I KNOW this is my issue, which is why I haven't brought it up. I'm trying not to be a neurotic freak, but why is it so hard?!?!?
Post a Comment
<< Home