Smitten has been pretty great the last few weeks. He's given me everything I've asked for--daily contact, hangouts 3-4 times a week, a lot more attention. We had a little relapse last week, but it righted itself pretty quickly. But I've still been upset. I've been upset with this relationship from the beginning. Feeling insecure, not being sure where things stood, feeling like he "just wasn't that into me" ... but not being sure.
At last, I've figured it out. After a long heart-to-heart with my roommate, we've discovered where all this insecurity is coming from. I can't read him.
As an actress, it's my job to read people. And I'm pretty good at it. I can tell if people are in a bad mood, feeling happy, sad, whathaveyou, just by reading their body language. And the same is true of boys. Over the years I've become great at reading men. I can pretty much tell if they think I'm relationship material, fodder for a good lay, or completely uninterested from the get-go. But Smitten is pretty closed-off, and as a result, I can read NOTHING. I can't tell if his stroking my arm is an indication of his attraction, an attempt to throw me off track, a clue he wants to sleep with me, whatever. I can't read him at all. And over the past few months, I haven't learned much--I can't tell what he's thinking, what he thinks about us. And I've never felt like this before. I've never NOT been able to read someone. Granted, I don't always like what I read, but I can always read somebody. Not true with Smitten. This explains a LOT.
I don't know what to do with this. I don't like that I can't read him -- but at least I know where my insecurity is coming from, now. Thank god for roommates!!