I haven't been posting, because, well, there hasn't been anything to post about. Haven't heard a word from Smitten since the breakup, though his phone calls me, accidentally, about once a month. I can hear him talking to people in the background. It leaves long messages and fills up my voicemail. The first few times I thought "oh! he's calling me!!" and rushed to the phone. Now I know I probably never hear from him again. I'm sure it's for the best--I've been having a tough time getting over this one, though it does seem to be happening, with recent developments:

--Had a fling with a cute Brit a few weeks ago. Adorable -- and the accent.... but he went back to the UK.

--Mostly been busy rehearsing, so I haven't met anyone new. But something does seem to be happening with one of the guys I see at the theater often. We don't have much to say to each other, he's totally unsuitable for a dating prospect, and I don't really think we're all that compatible. But the other night we kissed... and... woah. The way he touches me--I've never felt anything like it. He's gentle and warm, and, I guess what's so surprising is that, though there is some sexual tension there, his touch is completely free from lust. Like when he touches my arm, it's to touch my arm, not to touch my arm so that I won't object if he touches my breasts (of course the lack of.. urgency, I guess, turns me on beyond anything I've ever experienced). I don't know if that makes any sense. But I can't stop thinking about him. I just want to be near him so that he could possibly touch me again. I do see him pretty often, but there seems to be this unspoken agreement between us that nothing is to be mentioned, said, done, in front of anyone from the theater. Which is okay with me -- I'm not in a rush to head into another relationship again, anyway. Just as long as he can touch me again.

Bloomingdales.com sucks

Please forgive me as I rant but I'm pretty pissed off right now....

Bloomingdales.com has been running these great end of summer sales -- 40% off all sale items. So of course, being the wannabe fashionista I am, I have to check it out, find this great dress in my size that is absolutely gorgeous and totally trendy for fall. Order the dress, no problem, right?

No. Bloomingdale's decides that since I'm shipping the dress to my work address, not my home address (*gasp!* How shocking!) that I must be a credit card thief. They call my bank, and my bank doesn't have a phone number on file for me. So instead of calling me, they send me an email, saying I have to verify this information. Fine, no problem. I call Bloomingdales, am on hold for over an hour, while they call the bank, verify this, verify that. At the end of the hour they inform me that Oops! They cancelled my order, and oh, yeah, because the dress was on sale, they ran out. Sorry!

What I don't get is why they cancelled my order, if they were going to have me on hold for an hour, when there is NO MORE STOCK LEFT! And why did they cancel my order? Why didn't they just hold it for shipment, till they verified everything? I wasted an hour of my life, over a stupid problem, for NOTHING.

I hate them. Shop Bloomingdales.com at your own risk.

Okay, rant over. Haven't been dating much, but updates to resume soon.

Relief

Honestly, the strange thing about the past few days is the bizzare sense of relief that I feel. Dolly says she hasn't seen me this happy or so 'myself' in months. It's like Smitten had this crazy spell over me--and I was so worried about losing him, I wanted to be perfect -- do the right thing all the time, be light and carefree, but instead was so concerned about losing him that it just felt awful, always. I'm sure part of him picked up on that too.

We're going to chat tonight. This whole breakup took place over email (he's not a 'phone person') and there were a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications we need to set right. Normally, though I'd be hoping that this would be my chance to get him back or something, but honestly, in the last few days I've been so much happier without him.

It's so nice to not have this constant worried feeling hanging over my head.

Nothing better than a Hot Bass player...

...to help you get over an ex. Was hanging out at a local bar last night, ran into a friend, who introduced me to the band, and the next thing I know I'm making out with the bass player.

Sweet!

It's Over

Finally had to end things with Smitten. He stood me up Saturday night (we had theatre tix and he didn't even get in touch till after the show had started, saying his nap ran over) and I was just tired of feeling insecure and neurotic. Clearly something about this guy doesn't sit well with me, because I've never felt that way with anybody before. So it's over... I'm a single girl again.

What a depressing dating chapter.

Update... and Epiphany

Smitten has been pretty great the last few weeks. He's given me everything I've asked for--daily contact, hangouts 3-4 times a week, a lot more attention. We had a little relapse last week, but it righted itself pretty quickly. But I've still been upset. I've been upset with this relationship from the beginning. Feeling insecure, not being sure where things stood, feeling like he "just wasn't that into me" ... but not being sure.

At last, I've figured it out. After a long heart-to-heart with my roommate, we've discovered where all this insecurity is coming from. I can't read him.

As an actress, it's my job to read people. And I'm pretty good at it. I can tell if people are in a bad mood, feeling happy, sad, whathaveyou, just by reading their body language. And the same is true of boys. Over the years I've become great at reading men. I can pretty much tell if they think I'm relationship material, fodder for a good lay, or completely uninterested from the get-go. But Smitten is pretty closed-off, and as a result, I can read NOTHING. I can't tell if his stroking my arm is an indication of his attraction, an attempt to throw me off track, a clue he wants to sleep with me, whatever. I can't read him at all. And over the past few months, I haven't learned much--I can't tell what he's thinking, what he thinks about us. And I've never felt like this before. I've never NOT been able to read someone. Granted, I don't always like what I read, but I can always read somebody. Not true with Smitten. This explains a LOT.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't like that I can't read him -- but at least I know where my insecurity is coming from, now. Thank god for roommates!!

Dramatic (but good!) weekend

Smitten had to cancel on me Friday night (legitimate work related). But I was hoping he'd invite me over after, but... he didn't. I've been pulling back all week, and have heard almost nothing from him, so this, well, was the last straw. I don't want to have a boyfriend who'll never call.

So, I talked to him Saturday. Very calmly suggested that we go back to just dating, that we probably put too much pressure on things with the BF thing, and to just relax and have fun. He did NOT like this idea at all. I explained to him that I have certain minimal expectations for a boyfriend, and if he doesn't want to do them, that's fine, but then we can't be exclusive. (I'm actually super impressed with myself by how calmly and undemanding I said this). He asked what my expectations were. I said seeing him more than once a week, him calling or emailing or something at least every couple days, and coming to important acting gigs, if he doesn't have a super important conflict.

He agreed to this, said his behavior will change. He did come to my gig this weekend, and has been super great about contacting me and making plans...so far. Not holding my breath, but things are much much better.