Relief

Honestly, the strange thing about the past few days is the bizzare sense of relief that I feel. Dolly says she hasn't seen me this happy or so 'myself' in months. It's like Smitten had this crazy spell over me--and I was so worried about losing him, I wanted to be perfect -- do the right thing all the time, be light and carefree, but instead was so concerned about losing him that it just felt awful, always. I'm sure part of him picked up on that too.

We're going to chat tonight. This whole breakup took place over email (he's not a 'phone person') and there were a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications we need to set right. Normally, though I'd be hoping that this would be my chance to get him back or something, but honestly, in the last few days I've been so much happier without him.

It's so nice to not have this constant worried feeling hanging over my head.

Nothing better than a Hot Bass player...

...to help you get over an ex. Was hanging out at a local bar last night, ran into a friend, who introduced me to the band, and the next thing I know I'm making out with the bass player.

Sweet!

It's Over

Finally had to end things with Smitten. He stood me up Saturday night (we had theatre tix and he didn't even get in touch till after the show had started, saying his nap ran over) and I was just tired of feeling insecure and neurotic. Clearly something about this guy doesn't sit well with me, because I've never felt that way with anybody before. So it's over... I'm a single girl again.

What a depressing dating chapter.

Update... and Epiphany

Smitten has been pretty great the last few weeks. He's given me everything I've asked for--daily contact, hangouts 3-4 times a week, a lot more attention. We had a little relapse last week, but it righted itself pretty quickly. But I've still been upset. I've been upset with this relationship from the beginning. Feeling insecure, not being sure where things stood, feeling like he "just wasn't that into me" ... but not being sure.

At last, I've figured it out. After a long heart-to-heart with my roommate, we've discovered where all this insecurity is coming from. I can't read him.

As an actress, it's my job to read people. And I'm pretty good at it. I can tell if people are in a bad mood, feeling happy, sad, whathaveyou, just by reading their body language. And the same is true of boys. Over the years I've become great at reading men. I can pretty much tell if they think I'm relationship material, fodder for a good lay, or completely uninterested from the get-go. But Smitten is pretty closed-off, and as a result, I can read NOTHING. I can't tell if his stroking my arm is an indication of his attraction, an attempt to throw me off track, a clue he wants to sleep with me, whatever. I can't read him at all. And over the past few months, I haven't learned much--I can't tell what he's thinking, what he thinks about us. And I've never felt like this before. I've never NOT been able to read someone. Granted, I don't always like what I read, but I can always read somebody. Not true with Smitten. This explains a LOT.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't like that I can't read him -- but at least I know where my insecurity is coming from, now. Thank god for roommates!!