Sags like a heavy load.
I was repulsive in middle school.
Okay, maybe not repulsive, but it seemed that way. My blonde hair, D-cup breasts, and nearly 6' tall height, standards of beauty throughout the western world, made me freakish in my over 2/3rds Asian middle school.
The cystic acne didn't help either.
My crushes went unrequited. No one liked me. No one asked me a) to the dances or b) to dance at the dances. Well, I did get asked to one dance. By the short, fat kid, with acne worse then my own.
So I made a deal with the devil. I told myself that being a famous movie star would be worth all this. That never finding love, or true love, would be okay, if only I could achieve my dreams.
Then college. Two plastic surgeries on my skin to remove the acne scars. All of a sudden, the freakishly large breasts, the height, the hair, became attractive. Guys were interested. I made a lot of bad decisions, but learned a lot, too. I certainly had no trouble getting dates.
Dated the wrong guys. Dated the almost right, but not quite guys. Dated the right, but not right for me guys. And yet, never the right guy. The one that would make all the effort worthwhile. Forgot the deal I made. Thought I could find true love. And with IBF, his 2nd date declarations of love, his talk of our children's names, the house we'd move into, our wedding, seemed so right. That this was it. At last. I'd found it.
But, poof. Gone, as quickly as it came. Our latest IM conversation? "I was crazy about you. And now I'm not--not in that way, at least."
I feel had. Why say those things? Why name our children, discuss our wedding, plan our future? Not if you don't mean it. If you're going to take it back less than a month later. I would have been much better without it. Thanks, but no thanks, buddy.
I'm hurt. And I'm sad. And I think, "What a waste." And the 12 year old in me takes me back to the old days. The hurt days, where my gut response was "when you're a big star, it won't matter."
But I'm not a big star. And I don't seem much closer to that than I was 14 years ago. Is this really fair?
"No one ever said life was fair, kid."
Okay, maybe not repulsive, but it seemed that way. My blonde hair, D-cup breasts, and nearly 6' tall height, standards of beauty throughout the western world, made me freakish in my over 2/3rds Asian middle school.
The cystic acne didn't help either.
My crushes went unrequited. No one liked me. No one asked me a) to the dances or b) to dance at the dances. Well, I did get asked to one dance. By the short, fat kid, with acne worse then my own.
So I made a deal with the devil. I told myself that being a famous movie star would be worth all this. That never finding love, or true love, would be okay, if only I could achieve my dreams.
Then college. Two plastic surgeries on my skin to remove the acne scars. All of a sudden, the freakishly large breasts, the height, the hair, became attractive. Guys were interested. I made a lot of bad decisions, but learned a lot, too. I certainly had no trouble getting dates.
Dated the wrong guys. Dated the almost right, but not quite guys. Dated the right, but not right for me guys. And yet, never the right guy. The one that would make all the effort worthwhile. Forgot the deal I made. Thought I could find true love. And with IBF, his 2nd date declarations of love, his talk of our children's names, the house we'd move into, our wedding, seemed so right. That this was it. At last. I'd found it.
But, poof. Gone, as quickly as it came. Our latest IM conversation? "I was crazy about you. And now I'm not--not in that way, at least."
I feel had. Why say those things? Why name our children, discuss our wedding, plan our future? Not if you don't mean it. If you're going to take it back less than a month later. I would have been much better without it. Thanks, but no thanks, buddy.
I'm hurt. And I'm sad. And I think, "What a waste." And the 12 year old in me takes me back to the old days. The hurt days, where my gut response was "when you're a big star, it won't matter."
But I'm not a big star. And I don't seem much closer to that than I was 14 years ago. Is this really fair?
"No one ever said life was fair, kid."
posted by Pretty Polly at 1:03 AM
16 Comments:
Damn, if I knew you were up so late, I would have called you from the car on the drive back to NYC. Maybe we could talk tomorrow?
Please?
Hey,
I'm probably NOT the right person to be commenting, but having come out of more than my fair share of, well, let's call them 'interesting' relationships, I just wanted to assure you that things DO get better.
I hate cliches, but sadly, when they are true, they are useful. All you need is some you time (ie, Spa days, girls night out days, days along reading a good book etc).
I read what little you talked about you and the IBF, and it sounds like he's got his fair share of issues, and few, if any, of them have anything to do with you but are more associated with his lack of relationship skills, not yours.
And you know, being that 6' tall blonde beauty that you are now (I have trouble believing you still weren't beautiful in high school), will only get you to those places you dreamed of.
Another cliche, but here you go. Things will get better, just give it some time.
Enough Said.
I just wanted to say that i have been through the same things... promises, being let down, plans being made (only to be taken back and never mentioned again) It sucks, big time.
All i can say to you is that, while it hurts and it goes round and round in your head, you must remember that you are the better person. Knowing that doesn't initially make you feel any better but it will one day, when you look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did.
Relationships work in two ways, how you feel about the other person and how they make you feel about yourself. The latter being the problem.
I hope you find someone better and someone who will treat you and make you feel that you're the best person in the world. Good luck.
I so know how you feel. Had the same: 2 months into a relationship, she (without prior kids wish) suddenly starting to talk about us having kids (and names, yes!)...and a week later she was gone. Don't understand such things at all.
Take a deep breath, and don't loose your faith in things. Some day your Prince will come (disclaimer: but he might be fat with acne..)
All the things he said were things he wanted to believe, but weren't true--yet. He was never really there, you just fit perfectly into his dream girl fantasy, and you were receptive.
You will soon find someone more reality based. It will take time for the relationship to grow, but I have no doubt that you can get there.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish that there was something that I could do to cheer you up besides hope for the best for you.
Best wishes.
Thank you everyone -- your support really helps, a lot. Thank you.
mitch--I do hate cliches, but if they're prefaced as nicely as yours was, then they're okay. ;)
Anon/lama--Yes, the more people I talk to the more it seems that this is a rather common occurance--new to me perhaps (I tend to date the guys who are too cautious), but common all the same.
Jamy--you always can see what's going on, thank you for your wisdom.
Awe--Thanks, but your support here is helping too. Really.
Aww it's terrible. I know what you're going through - it's cliche, I know, but we've all been there. I hope you're feeling better.
Ugh! That sucks. I think many of us have been there. In my past, it's often been a dramatic danger sign when men sound too serious too soon. I do believe it works out for some people, but I just don't know any of those people. Most of the time, I don't know, it's just some kind of insecurity thing? It's just impossible to really know someone that early. At least to know someone well enough to name future kids.
In summary: The guy has some issues that you're better off without. And, I'm sorry, because it doesn't matter how big a turd the ex is...it still stings for awhile.
I hate dating. Good luck, kiddo.
I can understand how tough that would be but I know it will get better and you are SO a star in our books!
I think we've all heard those utterances about the future (whether it be about dates and roadtrips to weddings and babies) from men at some point in our dating lives. I choose to believe that the men I've heard them from meant them-- at the time. But circumstances change and we have to talk them with a grain a salt. They aren't meant to be binding contract, just wishful projections of what guys would like to see happen. Because once things start turning sour or don't live up to the ideal they have in their heads, they are out the door. So if it's any consolation to you at this moment, IBF probably meant the things he said when he said them.
I know you aren't ok now, but you will be.
NO ONE should be discussing marriage and children after a month of knowing you. It's way, way too early.
If a man is discussing these things, either he doesn't know what he's talking or about, or he's lying.
I't does seem incredibly early to be talking about marriage and babies so early on in the relationship. He also said he loved you rather quickly, if I remember correctly. I'm sure he probably did mean it at the time, but I think that speaks to his lack of maturity and a nasty streak of impulsiveness. Those aren't good qualities in a partner, I'm afraid. I think I would try to learn from this one, and don't take it too personally- it sounds like he has issues. And the next time a guy tells you he loves you after a few days- you'll be wiser! Good luck and keep your chin up.
I wish I knew why they do that. The guy I just broke it off with asked me on our second date, "Do you like me?" in his cute southern twang. It became a running thing, "Do you like me? How much?" for the first 2 months. Then when he suddenly discovered that I REALLY DID LIKE HIM... he never asked me again.
My very first Ex-Boyfriend blowtorched his way through the first few months of our relationship. "When WE have kids," "When WE get married," etc. After being cautious throughout, I began to believe him,let my guard down and told him that I loved him. He broke up with me the very next day, citing an inability to go beyond a certain point with every other woman that had been in his life. And it gutted me. I felt like a fool for choosing to believe him. But it wasn't that he didn't mean it at the time - it was when his wishes were realized that he cut and ran. There was nothing I could do about it. It would have happened eventually, regardless of how much time had passed before I'd committed to him.
And you know what? I'm over it. I understand and accept that it wasn't me who he rejected - it was the relationship that he couldn't handle. And what gal in her right mind wants to be with someone who can't handle being their partner's heart's content? You deserve more than IBF could ever provide, and his passing will pave the way to your finding that. XOXO! It'll get better. It will get FAR better! Chin up.
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