Not Going Well...

So, the day after my last relationship post, IBF and I had a talk. I went over to his house to get my stuff (I didn't want all my crap there if we were going to break up) and so, we talked things through. He insisted on breaking up with me for about an hour, while I protested that that wasn't quite fair, given what was going on in my life. But everytime I tried to leave (when he told me that me not valuing his health [actually sleep] over my theatre company... see previous entry... was a dealbreaker, when he said that there's no point in trying to work things out, we're just incompatible, etc...) he wouldn't let me go, saying "I don't want things to end like this."

In the end, he had a sudden change of heart, gave me back the keys to his place, said we weren't breaking up.

And I've been on pins and needles ever since.

I'm super sensitized to him now. I feel like everytime I say not-quite the right thing, have any issue at all, he'll use the opportunity to break up with me. I feel like maybe I talked him into not breaking up... and who wants that, really?

So, I dunno. I think I've been subconsciously talking myself out of being in a relationship with him, a bit, in order to protect myself. "He's not motivated enough. He's not attentive enough." Every slightly-negative (and very human) thing he does bothers me, is examined and offered up as evidence as to why we shouldn't be together. My heart is just trying to protect me, I know, but it's causing major problems. We can't seem to get through an evening without an unpleasant ending.

Wednesday I headed over after my show, we talked and were having a good time until he started initiating sex. Of course he just kinda jumped me, which before would have been more than fine, but in my fragile, vulnerable state, it wasn't enough to do the job. I wasn't turned on enough, I wasn't into it. And he realized this and stopped, as I apologized, telling him that it's hard to be vulnerable with him.

Tonight started out well, till he started on some random lecture about co-dependency, telling me that he has a tendency to be co-dependent. I think this is absurd, as a co-dependent, in my book, would fawn all over their significant other, something he doesn't do at all. He says "I just don't realize that he does" and the argument begins. Yikes. But somehow we start laughing, let it go, and have an awesome evening. Until we're in the cab home, and drunk, and I tell him how I'm feeling guilty about something that happened this week, and he starts up on all the reasons why I should feel that way. No, it didn't go exactly like that, but that's the jist of it. So I get upset, and he gets defensive, and all of a sudden he realizes he's left his bag at the pizza place we were at, so I get out of the cab, and he turns around to go get it. Of course everything valuable has been taken, and he's upset and is going home--he's not able to deal with us right now (understandably).

We can't seem to go more than a few hours without fighting. Not a good sign.