Dramatic (but good!) weekend
Smitten had to cancel on me Friday night (legitimate work related). But I was hoping he'd invite me over after, but... he didn't. I've been pulling back all week, and have heard almost nothing from him, so this, well, was the last straw. I don't want to have a boyfriend who'll never call.
So, I talked to him Saturday. Very calmly suggested that we go back to just dating, that we probably put too much pressure on things with the BF thing, and to just relax and have fun. He did NOT like this idea at all. I explained to him that I have certain minimal expectations for a boyfriend, and if he doesn't want to do them, that's fine, but then we can't be exclusive. (I'm actually super impressed with myself by how calmly and undemanding I said this). He asked what my expectations were. I said seeing him more than once a week, him calling or emailing or something at least every couple days, and coming to important acting gigs, if he doesn't have a super important conflict.
He agreed to this, said his behavior will change. He did come to my gig this weekend, and has been super great about contacting me and making plans...so far. Not holding my breath, but things are much much better.
So, I talked to him Saturday. Very calmly suggested that we go back to just dating, that we probably put too much pressure on things with the BF thing, and to just relax and have fun. He did NOT like this idea at all. I explained to him that I have certain minimal expectations for a boyfriend, and if he doesn't want to do them, that's fine, but then we can't be exclusive. (I'm actually super impressed with myself by how calmly and undemanding I said this). He asked what my expectations were. I said seeing him more than once a week, him calling or emailing or something at least every couple days, and coming to important acting gigs, if he doesn't have a super important conflict.
He agreed to this, said his behavior will change. He did come to my gig this weekend, and has been super great about contacting me and making plans...so far. Not holding my breath, but things are much much better.
posted by Pretty Polly at 10:33 PM
13 Comments:
I've been reading your blog for some time but I have yet to respond. I'm really impressed with how you've handled this situation. You seem like a great gal and you deserve better than the way Smitten has been treating you. If he doesn't shape up, show him the door and get yourself a good man :-) Good luck!
Communication's very important, no? Good job telling him what you want. :) Sometimes people can be a bit oblivious as to what others' needs are without intention, of course. Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge to roll that snowball down the hill.
I'm amazed at how easy that sounds. You told him what you expected and he is giving it. That's great! He must really like you.
Good for you!! Sounds dorky but i'm actually proud of you for putting your foot down--so to speak--and telling him what your expectations are.
(^little bill said it, exactly!)
--a.nort
Men can't read minds. They would if they could but they can't. Men are not always sufficiently attentive. They should be but they aren't. Men understand plain language. Women don't like to communicate in plain language. Women communicate with subtle signs and hidden contexts. The signs and the contexts are so clear to them, that they don't even think of them as 'subtle' or 'hidden'. Women are so good at reading subtle signs and hidden contexts that they can almost read minds. They expect men to read the subtle signs and the hidden contexts and to know when and how to be attentive. Women expect men to read their minds. Women get frustrated when men can't do this. Men are so unattentive they don't really have a clue why the women get frustrated. If they notice it at all.
A man who likes a women will give her what she wants if she explains it to him in plain language. It is that easy. If the woman asks the man for something in plain language and he doesn't give it to her, it is because he doesn't like her enough. It is that simple.
Really.
I think you handled that very well. Most people aren't as perceptive as we'd like them to be, but we don't want to make waves by telling them something is wrong.
I wish girls everywhere would read that and do what you did, instead of acting like nothing is wrong.
I'm really impressed that you told him what you wanted - and without having a hissy fit too. Good on you. I hope he mends his ways, or at least improves.
I'm glad you held your own about your needs and what you want out of the *relationship* - it sounds like things are on track and better then you expected - you go girl!
That was very good!!! You handled that like a champ :) Best to put your expectations out there and if he doesn't want to (or can't) live up to them at least he can't say that he hasn't been told :)
You've handled that really, really well. I applaud you!
And now what's the status of Smitten?!
you know sometimes guys just need to be told that something needs 'adjustment' and they take care of it- remember most are dumb. ;) I've learned to be very outspoken thing is he'd listen for like a week and then go back- playing broken record is not my style- I hope it sticks!
Congratulations! Both to expressing your needs to Smitten and to Smitten adhering to them. I think the anonymous commenter said it well. Even though it sounds easy it’s a tough thing to do. Especially when one have invested a lot of feelings for this person. Cause you know it could have gone either way. Sometimes it seams easier to just stand the current situation since we don’t know what the change will lead to. It will eventually lead to low self esteem and unhappiness. You did wonderful1! I’m happy for you!
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