Acting Blonde

2007-08-13T14:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting, because, well, there hasn't been anything to post about. Haven't heard a word from Smitten since the breakup, though his phone calls me, accidentally, about once a month. I can hear him talking to people in the background. It leaves long messages and fills up my voicemail. The first few times I thought "oh! he's calling me!!" and rushed to the phone. Now I know I probably never hear from him again. I'm sure it's for the best--I've been having a tough time getting over this one, though it does seem to be happening, with recent developments:

--Had a fling with a cute Brit a few weeks ago. Adorable -- and the accent.... but he went back to the UK.

--Mostly been busy rehearsing, so I haven't met anyone new. But something does seem to be happening with one of the guys I see at the theater often. We don't have much to say to each other, he's totally unsuitable for a dating prospect, and I don't really think we're all that compatible. But the other night we kissed... and... woah. The way he touches me--I've never felt anything like it. He's gentle and warm, and, I guess what's so surprising is that, though there is some sexual tension there, his touch is completely free from lust. Like when he touches my arm, it's to touch my arm, not to touch my arm so that I won't object if he touches my breasts (of course the lack of.. urgency, I guess, turns me on beyond anything I've ever experienced). I don't know if that makes any sense. But I can't stop thinking about him. I just want to be near him so that he could possibly touch me again. I do see him pretty often, but there seems to be this unspoken agreement between us that nothing is to be mentioned, said, done, in front of anyone from the theater. Which is okay with me -- I'm not in a rush to head into another relationship again, anyway. Just as long as he can touch me again.

Bloomingdales.com sucks

2007-07-28T11:31:00.000-04:00

Please forgive me as I rant but I'm pretty pissed off right now....

Bloomingdales.com has been running these great end of summer sales -- 40% off all sale items. So of course, being the wannabe fashionista I am, I have to check it out, find this great dress in my size that is absolutely gorgeous and totally trendy for fall. Order the dress, no problem, right?

No. Bloomingdale's decides that since I'm shipping the dress to my work address, not my home address (*gasp!* How shocking!) that I must be a credit card thief. They call my bank, and my bank doesn't have a phone number on file for me. So instead of calling me, they send me an email, saying I have to verify this information. Fine, no problem. I call Bloomingdales, am on hold for over an hour, while they call the bank, verify this, verify that. At the end of the hour they inform me that Oops! They cancelled my order, and oh, yeah, because the dress was on sale, they ran out. Sorry!

What I don't get is why they cancelled my order, if they were going to have me on hold for an hour, when there is NO MORE STOCK LEFT! And why did they cancel my order? Why didn't they just hold it for shipment, till they verified everything? I wasted an hour of my life, over a stupid problem, for NOTHING.

I hate them. Shop Bloomingdales.com at your own risk.

Okay, rant over. Haven't been dating much, but updates to resume soon.

Relief

2007-04-19T16:29:00.000-04:00

Honestly, the strange thing about the past few days is the bizzare sense of relief that I feel. Dolly says she hasn't seen me this happy or so 'myself' in months. It's like Smitten had this crazy spell over me--and I was so worried about losing him, I wanted to be perfect -- do the right thing all the time, be light and carefree, but instead was so concerned about losing him that it just felt awful, always. I'm sure part of him picked up on that too.

We're going to chat tonight. This whole breakup took place over email (he's not a 'phone person') and there were a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications we need to set right. Normally, though I'd be hoping that this would be my chance to get him back or something, but honestly, in the last few days I've been so much happier without him.

It's so nice to not have this constant worried feeling hanging over my head.

Nothing better than a Hot Bass player...

2007-04-18T19:30:00.000-04:00

...to help you get over an ex. Was hanging out at a local bar last night, ran into a friend, who introduced me to the band, and the next thing I know I'm making out with the bass player.

Sweet!

It's Over

2007-04-16T13:15:00.000-04:00

Finally had to end things with Smitten. He stood me up Saturday night (we had theatre tix and he didn't even get in touch till after the show had started, saying his nap ran over) and I was just tired of feeling insecure and neurotic. Clearly something about this guy doesn't sit well with me, because I've never felt that way with anybody before. So it's over... I'm a single girl again.

What a depressing dating chapter.

Update... and Epiphany

2007-04-08T00:27:00.000-04:00

Smitten has been pretty great the last few weeks. He's given me everything I've asked for--daily contact, hangouts 3-4 times a week, a lot more attention. We had a little relapse last week, but it righted itself pretty quickly. But I've still been upset. I've been upset with this relationship from the beginning. Feeling insecure, not being sure where things stood, feeling like he "just wasn't that into me" ... but not being sure.

At last, I've figured it out. After a long heart-to-heart with my roommate, we've discovered where all this insecurity is coming from. I can't read him.

As an actress, it's my job to read people. And I'm pretty good at it. I can tell if people are in a bad mood, feeling happy, sad, whathaveyou, just by reading their body language. And the same is true of boys. Over the years I've become great at reading men. I can pretty much tell if they think I'm relationship material, fodder for a good lay, or completely uninterested from the get-go. But Smitten is pretty closed-off, and as a result, I can read NOTHING. I can't tell if his stroking my arm is an indication of his attraction, an attempt to throw me off track, a clue he wants to sleep with me, whatever. I can't read him at all. And over the past few months, I haven't learned much--I can't tell what he's thinking, what he thinks about us. And I've never felt like this before. I've never NOT been able to read someone. Granted, I don't always like what I read, but I can always read somebody. Not true with Smitten. This explains a LOT.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't like that I can't read him -- but at least I know where my insecurity is coming from, now. Thank god for roommates!!

Dramatic (but good!) weekend

2007-02-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

Smitten had to cancel on me Friday night (legitimate work related). But I was hoping he'd invite me over after, but... he didn't. I've been pulling back all week, and have heard almost nothing from him, so this, well, was the last straw. I don't want to have a boyfriend who'll never call.

So, I talked to him Saturday. Very calmly suggested that we go back to just dating, that we probably put too much pressure on things with the BF thing, and to just relax and have fun. He did NOT like this idea at all. I explained to him that I have certain minimal expectations for a boyfriend, and if he doesn't want to do them, that's fine, but then we can't be exclusive. (I'm actually super impressed with myself by how calmly and undemanding I said this). He asked what my expectations were. I said seeing him more than once a week, him calling or emailing or something at least every couple days, and coming to important acting gigs, if he doesn't have a super important conflict.

He agreed to this, said his behavior will change. He did come to my gig this weekend, and has been super great about contacting me and making plans...so far. Not holding my breath, but things are much much better.

On The Smitten Roller Coaster

2007-02-21T13:46:00.000-05:00

Ug.

I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this Smitten thing. When things are good, they're great, but when they're bad, they're (for me, anyway) awful.

Basically, it just seems like 'he's just not that into me.'

This weekend was actually pretty great. A totally romantic Friday V-day, that went super well. I ended up seeing him 4 days in a row (we've never even seen each other 2 days in a row, so that was pretty major) and they were mostly great days.

After our romantic night at the opera, we went to a party where this jerk spilled beer all over my silk dress, twice, then started making comments about Smitten and me being all lovey-dovey. Smitten didn't respond appropriately, which upset me, so we actually left and I totally opened up to him, tearing up, telling him how I felt, all open and such. He did try, I think, but totally didn't know how to handle my vulnerability. Which made me feel that much worse.

He made up for it by coming over late Saturday, but I had to leave early on Sunday for rehearsal... and then.... nothing. (To be fair, he had to work the rest of the weekend. Yuck.) I emailed him to ask him to help me run lines, which he agreed to but only if I could meet him after 9, so I saw him super late last night, and he was super tired and went to bed after about an hour. This is the first time we haven't been physical together. And this morning, things seemed awkward, too.

I'm also pretty bummed because I have a big important gig this weekend, and he's on call for work, so he says he can't come. I'm not sure how much I believe this, because if his blackberry goes off and he has to run off, that's fine -- I even said as much. But he's going to be on call at his friend's party instead.

So now I feel like ... well ... crap. Like he does what I want if I ask, but he doesn't initiate much. And I probably freaked him with all my vulnerability. Which is shitty, because if you can't be vulnerable with someone you're dating, well, honestly, what's the point?

V-day Recap

2007-02-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

Sooo, yesterday was the big day. And.... I don't know what to think about it.

Basically Smitten and I decided to split our Valentine's celebration. He's planning a big dress-up event on Friday, so I was responsible for yesterday. So I said I'd buy dinner, and I got him a few little gifts, and a card, and was all tarted up for his pleasure.... and he gave me....

cupcakes.

Yeah. Granted, they were super-special cupcakes from my favorite place in the world, and he went out of his way, but honestly, I was a bit disappointed. I know he's planning a big thing Friday (I hope he comes through) but I feel like I went WAAAAAY more out than he did. Maybe not--we'll see Friday. But still. Yuck. I hate that feeling.

2007-02-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

Had an impromptu night out with Smitten last night. He emailed to invite me to join his happy hour crowd. Confidence rebuilt and with a new perspective, I strode into the bar and had the most lovely time. Yes, even at the beginning, before I had been drinking. I was my best, most confident, cocky-funny, teasing self. I could only stay for an hour, as I had to meet with some theatre folks later, but when I invited him to join (fully expecting him to decline) he accepted. He got along swimmingly with my friends, I seemed to get on with his. We even had a little heart-to-heart later in the evening--I was starting to think this guy had no feelings, so that was a good thing. And then he slept over. He is, by far, the most awesome cuddler. He wraps his big arms around me and holds me tight all night. Yum.

When I'm confident with him, he's all over me. When I'm not, then.... not so much. Interesting how that works, isn't it?

Realization

2007-02-08T13:02:00.000-05:00

I think (hope) I've finally gotten a handle on this Smitten thing. I had a realization: he's not my boyfriend.

I really think that's where the trouble is. Because we are calling each other BF/GF, I'm expecting a set of behavior from him. Calls, emails checking in, seeing each other 2-3x a week. I'm not getting that. So I've been unhappy.

But it's not even been 3 months since we've met. And because I always insist on exclusivity before sleeping with someone, he agreed to that. But if I hadn't done that, we'd probably still just be dating, at this point, and I'd be just as neurotic, wondering if he's my BF or not.

So I've decided, mentally, that he's not. Not until he starts acting like a BF. Does this mean I'm going to see other people? Of course not. But it does mean that I'm going to expect nothing, just as if he were some guy I've been non-exclusively dating for a couple months. If I hear from him, bonus. If I don't, oh well.

This new attitude has already served me well. Last night my phone beeped with a text message. Last week I would have jumped to it, thinking "is it him?" Instead, I assumed it was a friend of mine, went to check it, and was pleasantly surprized to find that it was Smitten, checking in on me. By not expecting anything from him, I can only be happy when I hear from him, not disappointed when I don't.

2007-02-05T11:22:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that things only seem to really click with Smitten when we've been drinking. Our last two encounters have been, while not entirely alcohol-free, certainly more sober, and I haven't gotten even a bit of a buzz. So of course, I can't let go of all of my insecurities and just have fun. Instead I sit there, over-analyzing everything I've said. "Why did you say that? No! Doh! You're coming off as maybe-slightly-a little bit needy!!! Stop!!!"

The alcohol helps. A lot. Last weekend we went out and got tipsy together. I had a great time, he seemed to have a great time. We laughed, and giggled, and made out, and generally had a blast. This weekend, not so much. Though this was not anyone's fault but my own. (I actually did have a lot of fun this weekend, but more due to the great company of my pals than Smitten.)

I'm really having trouble with this whole relationship thing. And I realize more and more that this is 100% my issue. Smitten is doing nothing wrong. No, he's not confessing his undying love for me, but really, should he? That would be freaky. It's only been a couple months. As a friend said, "How would you feel if he gave you a pre-engagement ring on V-day?" Um, yeah, no. I would totally freak out, and not in a good way.

In the past all (yeah, pretty much all) of my relationships have been a lot about validation. Some guy falls all over me and tells me how pretty and smart and fun and special I am. And I lap it up. And though this feels great (I miss my ex almost every day because he was so good at this) is this really what healthy relationships are about? I shouldn't be seeking validation from my partner. But my entire romantic history has led me to want/need/expect just that.

Isn't it validation enough that he wants to be with me, alone, eschewing all others? That he wants to spend every Saturday night with me, and perhaps one night during the week as well? That he sends cute emails 2-3x a week, clearly composed to be funny and charming? He has mentioned spending time on St. Paddys, during baseball season, and several summertime events. A guy having second thoughts wouldn't be saying this stuff. And when I do reach out to him when I haven't heard from him, usually via text message, he always responds (with something adorable and charming) within the hour.

They say actions speak louder than words, and his actions are all positive. No, he isn't fawning all over me. He doesn't want to spend every waking second with me. But is that really what I want? (Insecure me says "YES!" but rational me disagrees.)

Note to self: Whatever happens with this dude, this relationship is good for me. I need to learn to not seek validation in others. God I have a lot of work to do.

Things are better...

2007-01-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

Things are going much better with Smitten. I saw him 3 times last week(!) and already saw him yesterday (he came to see my current show last night). Lots of down time – chilling out and cuddling and watching movies, a good break from our previous very formal dates. He even brought up V-Day – I was talking about how I wished I could see him in a suit (he was saying how swank his suit is) and he said that either the Saturday before V-Day or the Saturday after we’d have to dress up. “It’s not a weeknight thing,” he said. And I still get the impression we’ll spend V-Day together, but it’ll be probably low-key (which is fine by me, especially with a fancy thing on the weekend) so I don’t think he’s pulling the wool over my eyes. So that’s good. He also invited me to something on St. Paddys (which I unfortunately can’t do), but that’s 2 months away—a very good sign.

Yesterday was a little awkward—all my friends came and he was pretty quiet afterward, not his usual chipper self. But he did say he was feeling under-the-weather, so I’m not jumping to conclusions. He didn’t bring me flowers, though. *sigh* But oh well. I can’t get EVERYTHING I want.

I guess all my issues with him are really just internal. I can’t really relax and be myself around a guy until I know he is totally smitten with me. And Smitten isn’t super forthcoming about that stuff. Not like he has to be—we’ve only known each other 2 months. But it’s so much slower than any of my other relationships, I just can’t deal. I get nervous about every little thing, with little-to-no cause (like my current freak out about yesterday’s awkwardness. “Does he still like me? Will he break up with me now?” – Total ridiculousness). Thankfully, though, I’m pretty sure none of this is coming out with him. I’m just playing it cool—and we do have fun together, so that’s easy. Note to self: CHILL OUT!

Sloooooooooow and steady?

2007-01-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

Things with Smitten are going well... but slowly. Very slowly. Painfully slowly (especially in comparison to IBF). We did not exchange Xmas presents (I didn't want to bring it up, though I did buy him something. He didn't mention it, so I didn't give him the book I purchased. I guess if we're still together on Valentine's Day...).

Had a pretty great New Years. I met his friends--we all seemed to like each other. He met my friends-- they all seemed to like him. So that was good.

We now have this pattern of seeing each other 1x a week, for about 24 hours. Usually Sat afternoon-Sun afternoon. Plus 2-3 email exchanges a week. Not much. He doesn't really feel like my boyfriend--he doesn't call, like, ever, or ever want to get together during the week. And I don't want to bring it up--I don't want to be pushy or whatever. What's weird, though, is that in every other relationship I've had, the guy has always been the one to say "I don't see you enough! When can we get together? I miss you!" So I'm not sure how to deal with this problem. And all those stupid dating books (which yes, I admit to reading) are no help. They all say the same thing: "date other people!" but I a) do not want to do that, and b) have already agreed to exclusivity, so that's out. Any ideas for how to get him to want to see me more often? I'd hate to think he's just not that into me... (But he does contact me 2-3 times a week, and almost always initiates weekend plans, so I don't think that's totally the case...)

I've been trying not to blog, since I really like this guy and would die if he found this thing. But I'm so friggin neurotic about him that I need a place to vent. So... expect more posts, perhaps?

Taking it Easy

2006-12-20T12:57:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the advice, ye few who remain! It's nice to have some reassurance. Right now I'm just trying to play it cool, not get too ahead of myself.

We had an impromptu hang out Monday night. I emailed him, apologizing for getting weird, then he apologized for being weird, then he suggested we talk it over. I think he was afraid that by agreeing to be my BF he may have signed up to spend every waking minute with me, or some such. I reassured him that no, basically I just want exclusivity, the courtesy of a conversation if that's no longer the case, and someone to call and maybe snuggle with if I have a bad day. He seemed very relieved. Then we had really really good sex. :)

Haven't heard much from him since (a meaningless email exchange yesterday) and don't know if I'm gonna see him again before I leave for Xmas (which is fine, really, I'm not going to be gone that long). Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Lovesick.

2006-12-18T11:14:00.000-05:00

Yes. Literally.

So... Smitten (as I'll call him) and I have been on 4 dates since our first one. All pretty darn good. Time evaporates when I'm with him. We'll start talking (or, more recently, gazing into each other's eyes) and suddenly hours will have gone by. Things are progressing in a positively wonderful way.

Saturday was the Big Date. One of my rules (as Dolly had to remind me) is to not sleep with a guy till we're exclusive. So I hinted at that to Smitten (and somehow I knew this would be the night). He had a little trouble figuring out what I was talking about.
"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
"It's a concept," I replied.
"Oh." Then he got really nervous, and said, "well, I think I know what it is--but I don't want to overshoot the mark."
"I don't think you're going to overshoot the mark. I think you're right on the money."
"So I should ask you to marry me?" he said, jokingly.
"Yes, that's not overshooting the mark at all."
We laughed. Long pause. More eye gazing.
"Um..... will you be my girlfriend?"
"Of course," I say. We kiss. Then hop a cab to go back to his place.

Things were... good! Not perfect, but for the first time with someone, pretty darn close. We spent the next 12 hours in bed, kissing, making out, *ahem*, gazing into each others eyes, sleeping, then repeating the process. It was.... wonderful.

So, at some point I have to leave--one more holiday party to attend. We go to get sandwiches, sit in the park. And things get really weird. Basically, I freak out. I can barely talk to him, barely look at him all of a sudden. He's really confused. I try to explain. "You make me nervous, I don't know what to do." This seems to make him really cocky. And I'm nauseous. And can't eat my sandwich. (I still haven't eaten much since then, forced a few things down, but am not hungry) And he walks me to the subway, gives me a kiss, repeats our plans to see each other next. And leaves.

I know this is good. And he's doing all the right things. But I'm having trouble handling this. I really really really like him. Most of the guys I'm with just shower love and affection on me, and I just soak it up. But with him, like with the Poet, I'm invested. And since the only other time I felt that way, I got burned but good, I'm not sure I can handle it. So I just feel like I'm going to throw up constantly. Nice, huh?

Smitten Again

2006-11-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

Not really into the whole blogging thing right now--besides, I'm not dating, so there's not much to write about. But... I met someone I'm totally smitten with. I can't stop thinking about him.

He's a friend of an actress in my current show. He came to see the play last weekend, and afterwards we all go out to a local bar. And the two of us started talking, and didn't stop till they threw us out 6 hours later. Everyone else left, and honestly I barely noticed.

Since I now live walking distance from the theatre and the bar, he walked me home. We held hands the whole way--so middle school, and so adorable. He walked me to my front door, asked for my number/email, and kissed me good night. Not the best kiss ever, but not terrible, and honestly, that's my sole complaint. In every other respect, he's like, my ideal guy.

We've been emailing back and forth since Monday--it took him till last night to ask me out for this weekend. No plans have been set, yet, so I'm still nervous as hell. I really like this one... and have no rotation to keep me sane. Yikes.

Malaise

2006-10-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been pretty rough. Moving, having all my stuff in boxes, class (which has become SUPER stressful!), and rehearsals for my show have kept me completely busy, and pretty stressed out. And I've had, like, no time for a social life, so there's no release! I've actually been feeling pretty sick--nothing specifically wrong, just a general malaise. :(

So I went online and ordered those full-spectrum lightbulbs. Every fall I get a little messed up from the lack of sunlight (and I've been spending so much time indoors, lately, that even though we've had great weather, I haven't been able to enjoy it). Hopefully fake sun will help? Any other suggestions?

Email Action!

2006-10-02T17:54:00.001-04:00

No matter how much I may want to, I can never seem to avoid boys for long.... They just come and find me!

Today was quite a day for email flirting. Master Flirt has resurfaced, saying he wants to hang out (still) and that he "thinks wistfully of me often." Wha?

And a friend of a friend of a friend that I spent labor day wildly flirting with has also resurfaced. I'm not super attracted to him, but he's like, the most fun person EVER to hang out with and flirt with. He emailed me today....

Not like I have any time to fit these guys in, with rehearsals for my new show, acting class, and my house (which is like a needy baby--seriously. It needs coddling to behave properly), but still, it's nice to be noticed. :)

Guess the autumnal depression is lifting?

Just Got Home...

2006-09-30T04:41:00.000-04:00

Tonight was Tall Ted's bday. Just got home. Of course we ended up making out half the night. He said his birthday wish (on his cake) was to get me to agree to go to dinner with him again. Awwwwwh.....

Alcohol mixed with a spot of my usual autumnal depression made for a sad Polly. I got too sentimental, and cried a bit, and Tall Ted thought this was just so endearing. Not my objective, of course, but the result wasn't bad. He actually handled my maudlin behavior quite well. Smashingly. I still felt no chemistry with him till the last hour of the night, when I laid on the 'cocky-funny' (yes, a PUA term, but it works with both guys and girls) on pretty thick. And suddenly, there were sparks.

Not sure what to make of this recent development (of course, I'm still 'off the market') but there you go. I can't avoid the guy drama, I guess.

Gmail down?

2006-09-26T12:56:00.000-04:00

Why can't I connect to gmail at all today?!? Anyone else having this problem? Grrrrrrrrrr.

Sorry Dear Readers!

2006-09-25T15:54:00.000-04:00

Don't know if any of you are left, but if you are still out there, thanks for hanging in there.

The last few weeks have been hectic. I moved into my new house yesterday! Our quick and dirty (emphasis on the dirty--the contractors leave a wake of dust and dirt everywhere they go) renovations are almost done and the movers moved most of my stuff yesterday. Of course that cost double the estimate! No one ever said moving was cheap.

I'm going to be living in the newly finished basement -- with my own bathroom! It's gorgeous--white, huge, and all mine. I've never had my own bathroom before--I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself! Lots of long bubble baths await.

Still have to paint and find subletters for my old place (anyone need a cheap bedroom share in WaHi?)

The dating life? Non-existant. Things have drifted away with Master Flirt. Too many attempts to meet up, too many scheduling problems. The fade from him, perhaps? Fine by me--I don't need the drama right now.

I also started acting class again--year 2! More activities, but more fun stuff. We started to work on really yucky characters--bigoted or racist or extremists. Hard as hell, but a great challenge to push yourself.

So that's the update, if anyone's still out there....

Boy Update

2006-09-02T17:25:00.000-04:00

Ran into Master Flirt last night (we run in the same circles). Spent most of the night not really talking to each other, but as soon as everyone cleared out, he cornered me, invited me to his house, and we made out a bit. I declined his invitation, told him that I certainly wouldn't be going to his place until we've had a proper date (or two). He seemed to agree with this plan, though I'm not holding my breath. Did get another end of night text message saying "Omg you're amazing" that's been keeping a smile on my face all day.

Ended up crashing at the Founding Member's place (it was too late for a 2 hour subway ride, and I can't stay at the house yet--it's totally gutted), and the two of us commiserated about our less than ideal love lives. No, nothing happened. Though I thought there might be a possibility there, I think that door has firmly closed. Which is good, because he's good friends with the Master Flirt and that is a whole mess of drama I don't need.

In other news, my disastrous New Year's Kiss (whom I haven't seen since) contacted me. We're going to a movie tonight. Not a date (i don't think) but so odd to hear from him out of the blue after all this time. Should be interesting...

2006-08-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

Uh, why do I always read so much into everything?

The House

2006-08-30T11:33:00.000-04:00

So MF and I have been emailing back and forth, trying to set plans for drinks--but it doesn't seem to be happening, yet, our schedules don't seem to jive. But I haven't had time for dating much, because I've been dealing with my new house!

I bought an almost-Brownstone (it's a wood frame house, built in 1910, that is the shape and size of a 3-story Brownstone, but technically isn't) on the Greenpoint/Williamsburg border. Well, the mortgage company bought it, so I owe them my life for the next 30 years (and my parents are co-signers--no mortgage company is going to give a sporadically employed actress a loan of that size).

I really didn't realize what an undertaking this would be (naive, I know) -- Dolly, listening to my daily stresses, already says she never wants a house! And all my other friends are patient, but I think sick of hearing me talk about it.

We got a deal because it's a dump. Seriously. No significant upgrades in 50 years, at least. The layout is god-awful, nothing seems to work right, the usual really old New York building problems. But it has major potential. A huge garden (20 x 60!!!). 3 stories, so 2 rental units, to pay the mortgage off. And once I spend 100k on all the improvements (right?!?), it'll be gorgeous. It even still has the original Blustone sidewalk outside.

Brownstoner is my new blog crush. Hope you guys don't mind if I share my house-woes (along with my dating woes) here!

The Master Flirt resurfaces....

2006-08-22T13:16:00.000-04:00

So because I'm an idiot (and possibly because I had too many mojitos at happy hour) I sent the Master Flirt another text message last night (I know, I know, I shouldn't have, yes). Again, just "no?"

He emails me today:

Howdy.

I've been insanely busy trying to get my life in order. Part of that was struggling to get Time Warner to fix my interweb. Now I am emailing you!

Think we should hang out soon? What's your sked like?

What should I do??

No Word

2006-08-18T10:52:00.000-04:00

...from the Master Flirt. Much ado about nothing, I guess. Perhaps he's changed his mind in the last few days? Even if he's trying not to appear too eager, 4 days is excessive...

C'est la vie. I didn't need the drama anyway.

Tall Ted is hanging around -- we email back and forth every day. I dunno. He's the sweetest, but.. something doesn't seem totally right. I dunno. We shall see....

Grrr.

2006-08-14T21:37:00.000-04:00

When I woke up yesterday, I was feeling good about this whole situation with... um... let's call him Master Flirt. I could use something totally fun right now. And pressure free. And the multiple text messages we exchanged yesterday evening didn't hurt.

Let me take a minute to explain why I really don't want anyone in our circle to know--unless it goes somewhere, which it probably won't. He had dated another girl in the group for a few years, and by all accounts it ended badly, after being pretty serious. She hates me anyway, I think, because she had a thing for Hot Actor and he was flirting with me at some party in December. So, I'm not really anxious to deal with her wrath. Also, everyone would have an opinion of the whole situation, thinking it's great, or it's awful, or whatever, and why bother if it's just a fun flirtation? And, as downtown suggested, it's fun to have a secret fling as well....

Back to yesterday's text messages:
MF: I hope i wasnt a beast
Polly: A beast? No, but everyone interrogated me about you today....
MF: Is that bad
P: I vehemently denied everything.
MF: Ha xoxo
P: xoxo :)
MF: So do we hang out?
I couldn't respond right away. After an hour or so I get:
MF: No?
P: I'd love to. What were you thinking?
He doesn't reply. This afternoon I send another message:
P: No? ;)

Still no reply, after a lot of messages flying back and forth. The silence is disappointing--and surprising. I honestly didn't think I cared enough to be disappointed (and yes, I know, a 24 hour lack of communication means nothing). Huh. What a strange development. Perhaps I don't want a fling? Not really anxious to get hurt again, and if I'm disappointed at something so minor, I'm obviously more invested than I think...

Interesting Development

2006-08-13T12:14:00.000-04:00

So, there's this guy that runs in the same circle I do. He's always been a total flirt with me, but he's that way with all the girls. However, I'm a master at dishing it back as good as I get--we've been sharing clever banter for the last year, whenever we run into each other (at most, once a month). So this weekend he's out, I'm out, and the witty repartee picks up right where it left off. Of course, our exchanges are fraught with sexual tension--that's the whole fun of the game, and I get to say things I wouldn't dare normally. It's like I have this magic power with him (and only with him, somehow) to always have the perfect snarky response to everything he says. I feel empowered around him. He's super smart, and talented, and challenging--but I'm able to match him, word for word. And did I mention his gorgeous brown puppy dog eyes?

At one point in the evening, I get up to use the ladies room. He asks me where I'm going, I say, "to the ladies room. Care to join me downstairs?" (totally joking, of course)
He replies, "I'll be there in 4 minutes."
"I'll be counting," I say.

On my way upstairs, he starts down the stairs, corners me, and we start to kiss. Woah. Can someone say fireworks? Of course, since it's a pretty tight knit group, this is something that does not need to come out in the open (he used to date another girl in the circle, so why discuss a meaningless kiss?) so we keep things on the DL.

Later in the night, we pull the same routine. Of course, everyone else eventually leaves, and we're left alone. My god, the conversation we had... the hottest thing I've heard in ages. But I'm not really anxious to get another notch on my belt, and crawling into bed with someone all my pals know is probably not the smartest idea, so I refrain (and he doesn't push the issue either, knowing it's a bit inappropriate).

We share a cab, make out a bit, and he says he wants to see me again. Even goes off on his good qualities, listing reasons why he'd be good to date.

When I get home, I glance at my phone and a text message awaits. "you are awesome xoxoxo"

The date

2006-08-11T13:01:00.000-04:00

So Tall Ted and I have decided to just be friends.

Friends that share sweet kisses on sidewalk corners on Tuesday nights, apparently.

We met up early, for drinks, (it was so crowded! When did Tuesday become the new Thursday?) and I babbled away for 2 hours to prevent any discussion of us dating, single life, etc. (I was nervous). When I finally wound down, TT brought up the inevitable subject. I told him that yes, indeed, things had not worked out with the other fellow, and I'm sad about that, but single. It seemed that he wanted me to admit that I made the wrong choice, which I did admit to him. Then he suggested we try again. I did tell him, honestly, that I'm not in the best place to start something up right now, that I don't want to rush into anything because I'm feeling lonely right now, as opposed to feeling empowered and confident (which is where I think one should start a new relationship). So he offered his friendship, and said if I changed my mind to let him know.

So we decide to get food, and I'm a bit tipsy, and we're walking and the next thing I know, we're kissing. Nice, sweet, adorable, gentlemanly kisses. I always really liked kissing him--I'd forgotten how much. We grabbed some food (he still insisted on paying despite my repeated attempts), and left things with a few more kisses, but still up in the air. He says he'll come see my show this weekend, so I'll be sure to see him.

Whatever happens, though, I can certainly say he's a real gentleman.

A..... date?

2006-08-07T18:26:00.000-04:00

Interesting weekend. Friday, after catching up with some of you (you know who you are), I hit the singles scene, for the first time in 6 months, pretty much. Yikes! It was interesting, to say the least, but nothing aside from two mildly annoying incidents.

Bachelor #1 was a wannabe hipster at a wannabe hipster bar. He sat down next to me and we chatted for about 10 minutes. He was telling me how "beautiful, smart, and funny" I was (no, I didn't take him that seriously) when his friend, a crass not-so-little thing, came in demanding to know where Raymond was. Bachelor #1 said he didn't know.
"He was just here," she whined.
"I know he's here somewhere. Did you check the back?" replied Bachelor #1 calmly.
"Well he just sent me a text message...."
As it seemed clear this conversation would go on for a while and I really didn't care for (a) being ignored and (b) whiney screaming in my ear, I got up to chat with my friends, thinking that Bachelor #1 would retrieve me when his conversation was done. He didn't.

Bachelor #2 (totally gorgeous, btw) was at my fav country-western bar (yes, they do exist in Manhattan) with an adorable southern girl. I assumed they were together, and when the young lady in question started singing along with me to "You Never Even Call Me By My Name" we started up a conversation. When she left to go to the bathroom, he informed me that no, they were not together -- and then proceeded with some hard-core flirting. When the girl returned she seemed pissed (she obviously had her sights set on him) and announced that they were leaving and trounced out of the bar. Bachelor #2 kissed my hand and said "maybe he'd see me around." He didn't ask for my number, but I did give him the name of my show. Perhaps he'll surprize me there? I'll be sure and hold my breath.

Love that NYC singles scene. Though I am in better shape for it -- 4 days of hiking and a 24-hour bout of altitude sickness in which I could keep nothing down (figure out where I went yet?) has added up to a 10 lb loss. Best diet ever! I even bought a cute skirt at Banana Republic and am down a dress size (unless they've increased their sizes again).

So, everything's all set for post-work drinks tomorrow with Tall Ted. Ostensibly to "catch up." He doesn't know of my new status (last he heard I had a bf, IBF, of course,) but I suspect that he suspects. I'm reluctant to call this a date--I don't think I'm quite ready to date yet, and I'm not sure that hopping into something with TT is the greatest idea either, especially since I've already turned him down, but it will certainly be nice to have drinks with someone who clearly thinks I'm something special, regardless of romantic intentions or the lack thereof.

Polly is definitely back "out there."

I'm Baaaaack!

2006-08-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm back, at last. Sorry, South America was so gorgeous that I didn't want to hop right back into the hectic swing of things....

No Latin American steamy stories. My tour group had a couple cuties, but nothing could really happen (we were camping, and no showers for 3 days kinda puts a damper on things). Bummer.

But it was great to get away. Not think about my life, boys, etc. Though I did return to find an email from Tall Ted in my email box, checking in. First the British Scientist, now him? He wants to meet for drinks. Hrm.....

Vacation

2006-07-21T00:28:00.000-04:00

Going to South America for a week... Hopefully I'll come back with some steamy Latin sex story!

You Win!

2006-07-19T00:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, yes, you're all right, it's British Scientist. Here's what he said:

"Your new website looks great-congrats on the part!"

Interesting timing, don't you think? Though I'm not exactly itching to get involved with him, so he can pull the disappearing act on me a third time... Maybe this is the perfect case of "let's just be friends"?

Guessing Game

2006-07-18T01:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, folks, time for a guessing game....

Guess which former flame just text messaged me? Long-time readers who followed me from the prior anono-blog will have an advantage.

Winner gets the contents of the message...okay, well, you'll all get that.

Extended Absense...

2006-07-17T17:32:00.000-04:00

Sorry folks, I escaped upstate this past week, took some time off to breathe, and get away from everything, and not focus on the IBF thing, which was good. And there was no internet access to be found, so I got to hang out in the woods, read a lot, and relax. Just what I needed. A break from IMs and shitty ex-boyfriends.

Though it seems I may have a possibility on the horizon. In the last two weeks, I've run into my College Crush twice!! I had a crush on him all through school, which culminated in us making out on a friend's roof about six months after we graduated. The perfect ending. I haven't seen him at all since, but I ran into him the weekend IBF and I broke up, and then, at a baseball game I went to with my dad. Huh? Yep, we were both buying baseball caps. Coincidence? Or Soulmate? You decide.

;)

Independence Day

2006-07-05T15:17:00.000-04:00

My first 4th of July in 10 years without a boyfriend.

What? Yeah, you read that right. My last single 4th was in high school. Sure, there’ve been 3 different July 4th boyfriends since, but when I started to think back to the last 4th of July I spent alone, to reassure myself, I realized that as an adult, well, I never had. As a result I’ve been conditioned to expect the 4th to be a ‘romantic’ holiday, one spent snuggling in my sweetie’s arms as we gaze at the night sky together, just like the candid pic here, taken a few 4ths ago. My favorite photograph ever.

So spending yesterday alone seemed a frightening prospect. Though initially (read: when coupled) I was upset that I’d have a show on the 4th, it turned out to be my saving grace. My theatre company had a pre-show BBQ at the theatre, and we had an awesome crowd for the show (I’m sure the fact that I was a little tipsy—for the first time on stage ever—made me enjoy the show just that much more). Afterwards, I decided to leave on my full showgirl makeup (it took 90 minutes to apply, I might as well enjoy it), fake eyelashes and all. And boy, did the boys come out to flirt.

I’ve never quite understood that attraction. Here I am, wearing more makeup than seems humanly possible, somewhere on the spectrum between porn star and drag queen, and I get noticeably more attention. I don’t know, I think I’d prefer a guy who prefers something a little more natural looking. But hey, I need the ego boost right now.

The whole company ended up trekking to the Founding Member’s Brooklyn rooftop (longtime readers, remember him?). And what a view. We had a straight shot of the midtown set of fireworks, with the Empire State and Chrysler Building directly behind, serving as a backdrop. Beautiful. Though my instincts screamed “snuggle,” there was no one to snuggle with, so I drank champagne with company members and enjoyed the view.

Tried to flirt a bit with the Founding Member after the fireworks, but kept getting intercepted by a new acquaintance who was quite obviously flirting with me. Not exactly my type, but he was super cute, if a bit short, and a budding director with some amazing credits for someone his age. Flattering at the very least.

As all of us Manhattanites trekked back to the city together, I looked around. Surrounded by new friends, happy to take care of me, listen, and offer support, I smiled. Though it certainly was a new experience of independence, I felt anything but alone.

Sags like a heavy load.

2006-07-03T01:03:00.000-04:00

I was repulsive in middle school.

Okay, maybe not repulsive, but it seemed that way. My blonde hair, D-cup breasts, and nearly 6' tall height, standards of beauty throughout the western world, made me freakish in my over 2/3rds Asian middle school.

The cystic acne didn't help either.

My crushes went unrequited. No one liked me. No one asked me a) to the dances or b) to dance at the dances. Well, I did get asked to one dance. By the short, fat kid, with acne worse then my own.

So I made a deal with the devil. I told myself that being a famous movie star would be worth all this. That never finding love, or true love, would be okay, if only I could achieve my dreams.

Then college. Two plastic surgeries on my skin to remove the acne scars. All of a sudden, the freakishly large breasts, the height, the hair, became attractive. Guys were interested. I made a lot of bad decisions, but learned a lot, too. I certainly had no trouble getting dates.

Dated the wrong guys. Dated the almost right, but not quite guys. Dated the right, but not right for me guys. And yet, never the right guy. The one that would make all the effort worthwhile. Forgot the deal I made. Thought I could find true love. And with IBF, his 2nd date declarations of love, his talk of our children's names, the house we'd move into, our wedding, seemed so right. That this was it. At last. I'd found it.

But, poof. Gone, as quickly as it came. Our latest IM conversation? "I was crazy about you. And now I'm not--not in that way, at least."

I feel had. Why say those things? Why name our children, discuss our wedding, plan our future? Not if you don't mean it. If you're going to take it back less than a month later. I would have been much better without it. Thanks, but no thanks, buddy.

I'm hurt. And I'm sad. And I think, "What a waste." And the 12 year old in me takes me back to the old days. The hurt days, where my gut response was "when you're a big star, it won't matter."

But I'm not a big star. And I don't seem much closer to that than I was 14 years ago. Is this really fair?

"No one ever said life was fair, kid."

It's Over

2006-07-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning IBF and I decided to call it quits. I'm kinda bummed about it, since I really have no idea what happened with us, but I suppose it seems for the best. He really didn't seem into the relationship anymore anyway--and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

It's so strange though. The first month of our relationship was so wonderful. He seemed so great--he wanted me to stay over all the time, wanted me to meet his family (which I did) and was talking about us having kids, getting married, moving in, growing old together. All a little fast for me, but I went along with it. This blissful period was followed by two awkward weeks, then two bad ones, where he seemed resentful of everything I did--and seemed really upset that he had found himself in such a serious thing. But that was totally his doing, not mine. These past two weeks have been okay--after our big blowout two weekends ago, we both were going to try and mend things--but despite my repeated attempts to try, he didn't seem into it, and couldn't get back to where he was that first month. It seemed pointless to prolong the inevitable, I guess.

Our breakup was actually quite amicable, as far as they go. Despite the fact that I couldn't stop crying, we ordered food, and he agreed to redesign my website, as he had promised earlier, and we spent a few hours doing that. Then I rushed off into Pookalu's care, for dinner, drinks, and a birthday party. I totally owe her--most of my other friends are out of town this weekend, so I didn't have anyone else to turn to. Serendipitously enough, however, I ran into an ex-lover, who was happy to care for me the rest of the night. He was very sweet--though I never mentioned anything about the breakup, he could tell that something was wrong and was very consoling, without saying a word.

I'm doing much better. I've stopped crying, which is good, and have a huge party to go to at the theatre tonight, which I'm sure will lift my spirits.

Polly's on the market, yet again.

Publicity!

2006-06-30T13:21:00.000-04:00

There's a great pic of me in this week's Time Out New York. See if you can spot me!

I love publicity. ;)

Better....

2006-06-28T13:45:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the comments and support after my last post. I was feeling pretty bummed out. But the last few days have actually been pretty good with IBF. Not as good as in the beginning, but we seem to be on the mend. We've been forced to communicate better, and he let me know that a lot of this seems to be him freaking out. He says he'd been single for so long, and all of a sudden it was "Us us us!" and he just had trouble dealing. But now he's the one who's talking me out of breaking up--I've certainly been questioning quite a bit in the last few days.

Last night I stayed over, and we had a great night. Laughed, talked, were generally silly with each other, and when my mom called with a crisis, he actually was wonderful, listening, helping me deal with it, and finding a solution. He seems to be returning to his former self (I hope?). I'm hoping for the best, but not expecting much--just going with the flow right now.

Not Going Well...

2006-06-24T02:24:00.000-04:00

So, the day after my last relationship post, IBF and I had a talk. I went over to his house to get my stuff (I didn't want all my crap there if we were going to break up) and so, we talked things through. He insisted on breaking up with me for about an hour, while I protested that that wasn't quite fair, given what was going on in my life. But everytime I tried to leave (when he told me that me not valuing his health [actually sleep] over my theatre company... see previous entry... was a dealbreaker, when he said that there's no point in trying to work things out, we're just incompatible, etc...) he wouldn't let me go, saying "I don't want things to end like this."

In the end, he had a sudden change of heart, gave me back the keys to his place, said we weren't breaking up.

And I've been on pins and needles ever since.

I'm super sensitized to him now. I feel like everytime I say not-quite the right thing, have any issue at all, he'll use the opportunity to break up with me. I feel like maybe I talked him into not breaking up... and who wants that, really?

So, I dunno. I think I've been subconsciously talking myself out of being in a relationship with him, a bit, in order to protect myself. "He's not motivated enough. He's not attentive enough." Every slightly-negative (and very human) thing he does bothers me, is examined and offered up as evidence as to why we shouldn't be together. My heart is just trying to protect me, I know, but it's causing major problems. We can't seem to get through an evening without an unpleasant ending.

Wednesday I headed over after my show, we talked and were having a good time until he started initiating sex. Of course he just kinda jumped me, which before would have been more than fine, but in my fragile, vulnerable state, it wasn't enough to do the job. I wasn't turned on enough, I wasn't into it. And he realized this and stopped, as I apologized, telling him that it's hard to be vulnerable with him.

Tonight started out well, till he started on some random lecture about co-dependency, telling me that he has a tendency to be co-dependent. I think this is absurd, as a co-dependent, in my book, would fawn all over their significant other, something he doesn't do at all. He says "I just don't realize that he does" and the argument begins. Yikes. But somehow we start laughing, let it go, and have an awesome evening. Until we're in the cab home, and drunk, and I tell him how I'm feeling guilty about something that happened this week, and he starts up on all the reasons why I should feel that way. No, it didn't go exactly like that, but that's the jist of it. So I get upset, and he gets defensive, and all of a sudden he realizes he's left his bag at the pizza place we were at, so I get out of the cab, and he turns around to go get it. Of course everything valuable has been taken, and he's upset and is going home--he's not able to deal with us right now (understandably).

We can't seem to go more than a few hours without fighting. Not a good sign.

Canaries in the Goldmine?

2006-06-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

So despite my recent bad relationship news, I'm still an artist. And when I got the following email this morning, it really got me thinking.

Now, there's nothing new here that I don't already know, or think, but to have things put so eloquently is good to see. Any New Yorker who wants New York to remain a cultural city needs to read this email.

Yuck

2006-06-18T14:50:00.000-04:00

The last two weeks have been pretty intense for me. I've had two shows open, more rehearsal than humanly possible, and have been trying to squeeze in friend time, work time, and a bid on a house. Not to mention spending time with IBF. Things with him have been a bit rocky, but I've been chalking it up to these intense last weeks. Things came to a head today, though, and it seems we have a quite uncertain future...

Friday was his friend's birthday. He's close friends with this girl who's totally gorgeous, who of course tends to make me feel insecure. The fact that he used to have a giant crush on her doesn't help either. Anyway, before we head over to her party, we meet at Union Square. And twice(!!) he totally drifts off while I'm mid-sentence, and just stops listening to me, watching the breakdancers. So I let it go, but finally can't handle it, and call him on it. And he says that he can still hear, even if he's not looking at me, that he's not going to "yes dear" me, and ends up getting mad at me for being mad at him. WTF?? He doesn't get over it, either, not through dinner, and not seemingly for the rest of the night. I have to head over to rehearsal at 10pm (we pulled an all-nighter... not fun) and he sweetly brings my forgotten script over at around 1ish (which I desperately needed) and heads back home.

The next morning I wake up and he's gone (he had the finals for his pool league and had to wake up at 5:30. Yikes). So I hang around his house for a few hours, he calls and says he lost. Bummer. That he's on his way back. I ask if he wants to come to the opener of my show, at 7pm, or another show afterwards (there was a possibility he'd still be shooting pool at that point). He replies that he'll probably be sleeping through my show, but the other show sounds good. I then have to jump through some hoops to get tickets (the other show is sold out) and get my friends at the theatre to arrange for comp tickets for IBF. Nice, right? But when he gets home he tells me he's too tired to go, and won't be attending either show. When I get upset (I had to pull a few strings to get the comps and now I'm gonna look like an idiot) he starts telling me that I'm so selfish that his health is less important to me than how I look to the theatre company. Since he's only tired, not sick, I say "um, yeah" and leave (I have to go open a show--and now we've had our 2nd fight in two days. Not the greatest place to be.)

So last night I decide not to crash at his place, even though I was planning to. I do send him a text message, though: "Sorry I got so mad. Sleep well. See you.... Mon?"

This morning he's online, but not talking to me. Finally he IMs me and we start having this huge argument online, which I finally insist on taking to the phone (an IM fight? How wrong is that). Basically he's feeling smothered the last few weeks because he can never be spontaneous with me--he has to plan seeing me in advance, and since I don't have that much free time, he ends up hanging out with me whenever I'm free and doesn't see his other friends. And he's the type of guy that doesn't like to make plans, so he can't make plans with his other friends, he just usu. calls them up that morning to see what they're up to. But he can't do that with me.

So now, we're talking breakup. As I see it, we only have a few options:
1. Continue how things are going
2. Try not planning anything and see how that goes (when I suggested this, he jumped on me, saying "why are you thinking THAT all of a sudden")
3. Break up
4. Take a break

He said he's taking option 5, time to think. So I'm heading over there to get a bunch of stuff I left over there that I'll need. He says he don't know how much time he'll need to think, so I'm planning worst case scenario.

Honestly I'm not really feeling very optimistic right now--I'm feeling like every time I'm upset, he turns it around to him, and I'm totally unable to see why scheduling time together is such an awful thing.

Yikes.

Apology

2006-06-15T15:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Please let me apologize for my recent disappearance. My first show opened Saturday, and fellow bloggers Pookalu, Betty, Damn It Anyway, Dolly D, and Typewritten Teacup joined me for opening night. Everyone really seemed to enjoy it, including the reviewer that came -- we got a rave review!

The evening was capped off by finding a big picture of myself in Backstage, the actor's newspaper, and Downtown Chic's fun (but cold) rooftop birthday party.

However, there is no rest for the weary, as I found myself in rehearsals for my next show on Monday. I'm a bit masochistic, I think, tacking two big shows at once. But we're getting through everything. This other show is very political, a collection of American propaganda woven together into one great crazy piece. I'm not as featured in this one, but the director is brilliant, and if your politics lean to the left, you'll probably really enjoy it. We open Saturday! Yikes!

More updates to come, I promise.

Forgive me?

Sincerely,

Polly

Getting Ready for Opening...

2006-06-06T12:24:00.000-04:00

Last night we had our tech for my new show. Yikes. As with any show, our tech was long and filled with problems. We don't have all our props, our lead doesn't know all her lines yet (not her fault, she has a million and they're all the same--I'm confident she'll learn them by opening), and we're rusty on a lot of the choreography.

Yet I had a total burst of excitement. Dressed to kill, sitting in a darkened, empty theatre, this is what I've been waiting for for the last 6 weeks. And soon we'll have audiences! Yippee!

The festival has been doing super well--it started last weekend, and two shows were completely sold out. Hopefully our show will be as well recieved--we've put posters up all over the neighborhood, so we may get some walk-ins. I'm really proud of this. I have a bit more accent work to do (I totally had my character's speech patterns down, but lost it after a week of not practicing) but I think we'll be ready to go by Saturday. Fingers crossed!

Shoe Diet

2006-05-31T14:36:00.000-04:00

Pretty Polly has a thing for Pretty Shoes. Mostly high heels (her legs look longer and more shapely) but cute flats, kitten heels, you name it. The problem with pretty shoes is that, well, they tend to hurt. But Polly could care less. They're pretty, right?

With the warmer weather, I've pulled out and bought a bunch of new summer shoes. And, since Insta-BF and I are the same height, I've even invested in a few pairs of cute flats that, unfortunately, needed more breaking in than anticipated. So, I've been limping around, bandaids covering my feet.

So, Insta-BF, fed up with seeing my feet cut and occasionally bleeding, has put me on a shoe diet. He says I'm only to wear sneakers or my chinatown sandles for 1 week! Though part of me is loathe to wear ugly shoes, I do concede that he has a point. My feet do need time to heal (heel?).

Further proof, I think, that this fellow is a keeper.

House Mania

2006-05-26T18:30:00.000-04:00

After seeing Insta-BF's living situation, I've become totally obsessed with buying a house.

What? Huh? Yep.

I've been spending at least part of every day in Brooklyn, rehearsing for all my shows. And Insta-BF lives a short walk from the theatre, so I've been crashing with him a lot. He lives in a 3 family house, and the building's owners live on the top floor and rent out the other two floors. When I started thinking about it, I realized that they don't pay anything at all -- the rentals pretty much cover their mortgage payments, and yes, though they do have to worry about taxes, insurance, and maintanance, that's nothing compared to building equity on a property worth nearly a million dollars.

So now I want to do the same thing. And I'm in Brooklyn every day anyway, so it seems to make sense to move there. And I've become completely obsessed with the idea. I'm looking at properties all day, have been calling realtors and loan agents, and have run the idea by my mom (she'd have to be my co-signer--I hardly qualify for a loan of that size on my own). She thinks it's a great idea. Of course that means selling my apartment, but it's way overvalued right now, so it's a good time to sell. And I figure I could bring my two roomies with me, if they're game, just move all our stuff together (one has already said he'd be interested).

Poor Insta-BF has been great. We've walked around his neighborhood, looking at for sale signs and being patient with me as I call every one I see. I've yet to look at a single place, but I'm already itching to move--I have ideas for how to organize the garden, decorate the hallways, everything. And I'm actually leaning toward not organizing my place as much--I mean, if I'm going to move anyway....

A girl can dream, can't she?

My First Interview!

2006-05-17T12:49:00.000-04:00

I just got off the phone with a newspaper reporter about my new show. Apparently after they saw my picture, they wanted to do an interview because "pretty girls sell papers," which is what the reporter's boss said. They're definitely going to print the photo. Hehe!

She was super easy to talk to, asked me where I was from, my acting background, if I look like the character I'm playing, if my breasts were real, etc. And, since it's a Brooklyn paper, they asked about my connection to Brooklyn--my dad was born & raised, so I've got that covered. It was really so much fun, kinda like a personal profile piece more than anything.

I can't wait to see it! How totally exciting!

I'm Gonna Be Famous! (Not really)

2006-05-16T23:44:00.000-04:00

OMG, so exciting, I just found out that I'm going to be interviewed by a reporter for my upcoming show. The reporter specifically wanted to talk to me! Wow--this is totally new and has never happened before. Interview at 10am tomorrow--scary!

Acting class sucked today. The Guru hated everyone's work. Somehow I got so down on myself afterwards, I actually started to cry (not like me at all, I think I was carrying my vulnerability from the scene into my life). Then, of course, I forget my iPod in class, so I have to find The Guru and ride up in the elevator with her as I cry, silently. Nice.

So much to update on Insta-BF, I know I owe y'all stuff, I'm sorry! Tomorrow!

Instant Manicure

2006-05-15T16:05:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen the commercials for this? Please forgive me as I gush about Avon's newest product -- Instant Manicure. Looks like Press-On Nails, right? But it's not, it's press-on nail POLISH. Which means it goes on dry, and doesn't chip as fast (the fact that it comes in a sheet offers more protection than traditional polish).

I got a sample of this about a month ago and fell in love. I usually don't wear nail polish because it chips as soon as I put it on my fingers (seriously, I'm lucky if it lasts a day). This stuff lasted a week, easy, and when I put a coat of clear polish over it, it lasted even longer.

This is my new beauty miracle. And, it's currently on sale at shop.avon.com, two sets for $8.99. And free shipping if you use code FSWA6. And if you use the above link, I get credit!

It's All About the Tits

2006-05-08T17:33:00.000-04:00

My weekend was all about the tits.

Huh? Yep, indeed, they got a lot of attention this weekend. And not from Insta-BF either, but from everyone else. I'm playing a sex symbol in a show in June, and we had our photo shoot Sunday. I love how the photos came out, but seriously, having people take pictures of your tits for 3 hours sounds like fun, but um, it's not. And it's exhausting. Making that vapid smiley face over and over again made my face hurt! And the makeup! I was probably wearing a pound of it, at least. I looked like a drag queen walking to the deli. I think the guys in my show were having fun at the photo shoot though. They got to ogle me nonstop for 3 hours. Heh.

Knocked off one of my performances (yes! one down, two to go) on Saturday night. It was a scene as part of a benefit performance for an indie theatre company. The director was the Founding Member (long-time readers, remember him?) and it was an awesome experience. He's great to work with. Totally on the same page as me, in terms of what theatre is and should be. It never happens that way. I loved every minute of working with him.

And Insta-BF got to see me act. He said I had great stage presence. Yeay! How fun. AND, I discovered he's an awesome dancer. This guy just surprises me with wonderful things every day. *sigh*

Vent

2006-05-06T10:09:00.000-04:00

I'm totally sucking in acting class as of late. We have to come up with still more activities, and I'm driving myself crazy because I've already killed everyone in my family and most of my friends. Yet the Guru, our teacher, requires more and more activities--and on Tuesday, when people didn't have the best activities, she gave us a huge lecture. "The moment you say 'this will do' you've lost us as an actor," she repeated, over and over. This is true, we were half-assing things a bit. So I tried to go all out for my activity yesterday. The circumstance was that my sister had been raped, so I was going to make this creepy voodoo doll thing to send to her rapist. And I would be working on my anger, which is something I have trouble expressing. Insta-Boy and his friend even helped by finding me black candles (not the easist thing to find in NYC, as it turns out...). I do my activity, get furious, am totally happy. The Guru's response? "I'm glad you're emotionally connected to the circumstance, but I think you could find a better activity." Great. Thanks. I've never been able to get mad in class doing an activity, and the one time I do she says she doesn't like the activity??? Great.

Then, we get assigned scenes. I've been looking forward to this for weeks, because I'm much better at the scene work then the activity work anyway. And..... she switches our scene partners. My scene partner, who's clearly the best guy in the class, gets moved to work with his old partner, and I get someone new. My new partner isn't bad, but he's not quite where my old partner was, and I was SO LOOKING FORWARD to WORKING WITH HIM!!!! I'm so pissed off right now, I can't even tell you. I feel like the Guru is punishing me because my activity work hasn't been great. And, to top it all off, my scene sucks. I'm playing this dream-crushing bitch of a character, that I can totally not even relate to, which means I'm not going to be very good. Which means I may not get invited into the 2nd year of the program. Which means this whole year was a big waste of my time.

To make me feel even better about the whole thing, I called Insta-Boy as I got out of class, asked him if he could meet me for dinner (so I could vent). He had just eaten, but told me to text when I got out of rehearsal. So I did, and he replied: "I'm in full cleaning mode. Plus I looked at finances and I shouldn't spend till my freelance check comes in on Tuesday."

Nice. So I went home alone, and pissed. He did call to talk later on, so I do appreciate that, but I really could have used an in person conversation. Isn't that what BFs are for? Now I'm regretting the "moving too fast" thing, though, because we haven't known each other long enough for me to really rely on him (and I can't really say, yet, "I need you to do this"--don't wan't to be the "too clingy" GF, here).

Well, at least I can vent here. Thank god for blogs.

It Always Happens When You're Not Looking

2006-05-04T10:32:00.000-04:00

When one is single, and lonely, and recently out of a long-term relationship, friends (mostly coupled-up friends) feed you platitudes. My ultimate favorite: "It Always Happens When You're Not Looking." There's nothing more annoying than hearing that from your friends after another date gone awry.

Well, unfortunately, given my (and Dolly's) current situation, I'm starting to think they're right.

Sort-of.

Yes, it's true, I've wanted to take a brief hiatus from dating. And now I've met this awesome guy. And yes, Dolly wasn't going out to the party with me to meet anyone. She's been on a bit of a hiatus as well. So, yes, we weren't looking.

However, we were doing everything in our power to meet the right people. Whether it's a book club, a dating website, or a party, we were out there so that we could be in the right place at the right time. And, as Dolly and I were commenting this morning, it's easy to hang back and chat with the people you know, yet we both make an effort to always talk to new people--male, female, it doesn't matter. So while we "weren't looking," we were still "out there."

The End of Tall Ted

2006-05-02T22:49:00.000-04:00

So given what's been happening with Insta-boyfriend (and I have more to share, don't worry!), I had to do something about Tall Ted. Last weekend, he sent me the following email:

Hi Polly,

I'm officially a Brooklynite now! Ok, well, maybe it's less than 24 hrs that I've been here, but I did find a crazy little barber shop, a hip diner where there was talk of an upcoming poetry slam and the local laundromat. The movers weren't too bad, but it did become a slightly expensive day. My room is all arranged, though there's still some unpacking to do. Not too fun.

I was gonna ask you two more questions: would you like to get together this week for lunch/dinner? The second question is do you know any cool restaurants in Brooklyn?

Talk to you soon,

Ted

So, I sent this email (thanks for all your comments, btw!!):

Hi Ted,

I'm pretty busy this week, but unfortunately I've begun seeing someone that I seem to really connect with--and I have to pursue it. Which really sucks, because I'm totally attracted to you and think you're an amazing catch. Anyway, I didn't want to let things go any further like this--it's always the sooner the better with these things, and you're too great a guy for me to pull the fade.

If you're interested in being friends, I'd love to take you out to lunch (or go dancing!), but if not, I totally understand.

I did get some good Slope restaurant ideas though: (list of restaurants here)

Take care,

Polly

He responded right away, with this:

Hi Polly,

I'm quite happy for you that you found someone that you really like. Don't get me wrong, I am a bit disappointed that I won't have another chance to take you out on a date. However, I am really glad that I got to meet and go out with you. As you asked me, where was I three months ago?

Of course I wanna be friends with you! I do enjoy hanging out with you and the fun we have. That would be terrific - lunch or dancing sometime.

I appreciate the suggestions, I'll definitely have check them out in the very near future.

Talk to you soon,

Ted

What a cool guy. And a great response. Seems like someone I would want to be friends with. Now I just have to find the time to squeeze him in...

Sleep Pose?

2006-04-28T13:22:00.000-04:00

Stole this from NotMiranda...

Find your own pose!

Interesting.... I wonder if that's true about me and Insta-BF...

Day 1... and the L word?

2006-04-27T18:35:00.000-04:00

After our lovely night Friday, Saturday the Insta-BF and I spent the day together. He took me to a lovely brunch, and as our drinks came we toasted.

"To Day 1," he said.

"To Day 1." (Okay, can you see why I'm totally smitten with this guy?)

After our lovely brunch, we did all sorts of cute datey things. Caught a movie in Union Square. Browsed The Strand. Basically we couldn't get enough of each other.

At some point, however, Thursday or Friday night, the L-word got put out there. WHAT? Yes, indeed, I'm not sure how, but out it came. I think I said it first, but as soon as I did, Insta-BF jumped on the bandwagon and started saying it too. So Saturday was filled with them. Scary, but when I'm with him, it just feels right, y'kno?

Of course, the second we parted ways, I began to second-guess myself. I've never had a relationship go this quickly, I've always dated the person for at least a month before exclusivity even came up, and the L word? Forget about it. And though when I'm with him, everything seems perfectly perfect, on my own I begin to doubt if any of this is even real.

Somehow, though, Insta-BF knows exactly what I'm thinking. Sunday night we were talking on IM (our standard mode of communication) and I mentioned that if we were still dating in a few months, he'd have to come to see my show.

IBF: Why would you do that? Do you honestly think we won't make it a few months?

No, I replied, but told him what was going on, that when I'm not in his presence I don't even think this is happening. He said he understood.... and that we needed to take the L word off the table. That it needs to be something genuine, something we know to be true, even when we're apart. I agreed.

The next day, just in case there was any confusion, he sent the following email:

Hey you,

I just wanted to actually write you an email -- something a bit more composed and thought out than our various IMs, texts or phone conversations. I suppose it allows me to really sit down, gather my thoughts and compose to you exactly what's on my mind.

You've heard it plenty of times and you will again. I am crazy about you. I find myself flipping over to my LiveJournal to look at the photo of you I posted -- showing you off to all of my friends -- and smiling. I am now thinking of fun events and things I'd like to do, but now in terms of what WE could do together. For instance, in this week's issue of Flavorpill, they mentioned the Cherry Blossom Festival at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden this weekend. They had a trivia contest where you can win a PAIR of tickets. This time around, I had no doubt in my mind who I'd share the second ticket with.

Anyway, that's basically it. Nothing special, nothing too deep. Just wanted to let you know in my own way what you mean to me.

Yours as always,

The Insta-BF

*sigh* I think I easily could be in love with this guy.

Which means I had to do something about Tall Ted....

The Insta-Boyfriend

2006-04-26T22:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, so where were we? Oh, yeah, Friday.

Friday was the long awaited blogger party, and was a blast, as usual. In attendance: Polly (that's me!), Dolly, Meg, Mr. Woland and his friend "Ricardo," Homosexual Suspect with roommate Oreo, ActorSerf, Pookalu, Damn It Anyway, Stolie, Sid and friend "Bob," Alpha, and Deep. So much fun, as usual. But since it was a Friday, people took off early for other destinations. As the night wore on, Dolly and I decided to message our boys, MacB and Web Walter, and soon enough they showed up.

What? Invite Web Walter to the blogger gathering you ask? Well, after reading this post, I decided to tell him Thursday night. He's a blogger himself, and it was pretty much a sure thing he'd find it. So, I fessed up. He promised not to go looking for it, though I'm sure if he wants to find it, he will. I have nothing to hide! Ha!

So WW and MacB show up--and Dolly and I are both such smitten kittens. Everyone heads out, and WW wants me to meet up with a few of his friends, so we shift venue, leaving MacB and Dolly alone. At the new bar, I get the thumbs up from WW's friends, and Elle and Downtown Chic show up. Yippee!!! (I love them). We play duck hunter and have a blast.

Cut to the chase--it's late, we're drunk, I go home with WW. We start to fool around, but I remind him of my rule--"I can't sleep with people I'm not exclusive with. Sorry..."

He says "I thought we already agreed on that last night."

Woah. I think I have an Insta-Boyfriend.

Impromptu Date

2006-04-24T18:45:00.000-04:00

Dear readers,

Thank you for being patient with me! With rehearsals for all these shows, I barely have had time to breathe, let alone post. And Web Walter has been taking up quite a bit of my time...

So, Thursday. Web Walter messages me during rehearsal, saying he wants to see me. Since my rehearsal is on his way home, he offers to buy me a quick drink for a quick hello. Though I wouldn't normally agree to such things, if I weren't so busy, I would have probably gone out with him Thursday anyway, so I agree.

We meet up and one drink becomes two, which becomes many, which becomes the bar closing. We move to another bar, then that one closes too. But you can't shut the two of us up! We just have so much to say to each other--it's difficult to stop. So we end up sitting on the middle of the sidewalk, talking and kissing till 4:30 am.

On a bathroom break, he sent me the following text message:
"There is no confusion... I am falling in love with you."

Can we say OMG???

Wait till you hear about this weekend....

Smitten

2006-04-21T18:44:00.000-04:00

Had an impromptu date 2 with Web Walter last night--he met me after rehearsal and we were out till 4:30. I'm totally smitten. Details to come!

Daily Contact

2006-04-20T18:21:00.000-04:00

Tall Ted and Web Walter have both opted for the everyday contact approach (a far cry from the wait 3+ days to contact rule--BTW, the actor who got my # a week and a half ago called last night. What the?).

Web Walter and I now have a nightly IM routine. He's on AIM almost constantly, and when I get home we generally have a sweet conversation. Last night he said he wanted to talk on the phone instead, and we chatted till 3 AM!! It's so easy to talk to him--and I'm most assuredly not a phone person at all, so this was actually quite an accomplishment. He told me that he is smitten with me--and I think I'm getting there with him. We're both eagerly anticipating our date on Saturday.

They both sent text messages to me today at 2:30. I think this is hysterical, because it only highlights the differences between them.

From Tall Ted: "Just sayin' hi. Hope you're enjoying this gorgeous day outside. I'm stuck in the office. I want ice cream but can't leave because of meetings and work. It sucks."

From Web Walter: a cute photo of him smiling at me (no, not an anatomy shot! Dirty minds...) with the caption "pour vous"

Since I'm feeling more and more smitten with Web Walter myself, I think I have to do something about the Tall Ted situation. He's also adorable, a gentleman, totally sweet. But I don't seem to have quite the connection I have with Web Walter. We don't have a scheduled third date yet (though not from lack of trying on his part), so I think, depending on how things go on Saturday, I may have to shoot an uncomfortable email his way. Though I was debating making stuff up, I think the truth is the best way to go. Something like:

Though you're one of the most amazing guys I've ever met, I don't think I can continue seeing you romantically. Right around our first date, I had another first date with someone that I seem to really connect with--and I have to pursue it. Which really sucks, because I'm totally attracted to you and think you're an amazing catch. Just my luck--no guys in my life for months, and now two? Typical.

Anyway, I didn't want to let things go any further like this--it's always the sooner the better with these things, and you're too great a guy for me to pull the fade. If you're interested in being friends, I'd love to take you out to lunch (or go dancing!), but if not, I totally understand.

Is that too much? I know I'm being a bit premature, but this is weighing heavily on my mind...

Dating Dilemma

2006-04-19T18:23:00.000-04:00

So, dear readers, it appears I have a dating dilemma. After my lovely date with Web Walter on Saturday, I was leaning toward canceling my second date with Tall Ted (I've adopted Dolly's nomenclature for these purposes...). But it seemed too late, so I kept the date.

And had a lovely date with Tall Ted.

Tall Ted was the perfect gentleman--polite, good manners, paid for everything (though I insisted on springing for dessert). We had a lovely walk through the city to my subway stop, and he insisted on waiting with me till my train came (due to some bizarre delay at the MTA, it ended up being a half-hour wait). He's certainly a wonderful catch--cute, (did I mention tall?), smart, independent. My only real qualms are about the suburb thing and his smoking habit (I find cigarette smoking a tad distasteful in a boyfriend). And he made lots of boyfriend noises, saying "we'll have to go here, we'll have to do this" and trying to schedule a 3rd date. Tall Ted, where were you 3 months ago, when I needed you so badly?

Though it's a tad early with Web Walter as well (our second date is scheduled for Saturday), he's been making similar boyfriend noises. So it appears that Pretty Polly may be forced to choose!

I love how funny life is. When you want/need a boyfriend so badly, no eligible candidates appear. But since I've decided that I shouldn't date for the next three months (I'll be appearing in 3 shows, so I honestly don't have time), not one but two eligible bachelors present themselves. Isn't that always the way?

In other news, Dolly apparently had a lovely date with MacB last night. But it appears that he has found both of our blogs (and my old one!) so I doubt she'll be posting much about it.

They always find the blogs. I'm just waiting for Web Walter or Tall Ted to drop the same bomb on me....

Blog Change

2006-04-18T11:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm bored already with Tabula Rasa. Going on one of Awe's suggestions, I'm changing the name to Acting Blonde -- a much more fun title. And my old blog had great art, this one doesn't, so I'll have to fix that too. I'm on it!

From Dry Spell to ??

2006-04-17T15:44:00.000-04:00

I don't have time right now to date. I want to make this clear. I'm starting rehearsals for three(!) shows today, in addition to working two jobs and a pretty full class load. I'd like to see my friends occasionally as well, so I've basically resolved not to date till my shows are over in July.

And so the universe has seen fit to throw two totally eligible guys my way. Where were they 3 months ago when I had time for such things?!?

Tall Ted seems totally smitten with me. He spent the weekend (he was out of town) sending adorable text messages, checking up on me. So sweet. Our date last week was a lot of fun, and date 2 is scheduled for tomorrow. Only minor concerns at this point: he wants to live in the suburbs and is not really creative. But we'll see.

And then there was my date this Saturday. Dolly has dubbed him "Web Walter." After a conversation with Jersey Shore Boy about eharmony, and simultaneously getting a discount coupon on my email, I sucked it up and joined. Not a lot of Potentials there, but Web Walter's profile intrigued me. He's a web designer/photographer/aspiring filmmaker (creative enough?), and he answered my initial screening questions correctly (They are: "How many books did you read last year", with the correct answer "more than 12" and "Where do you see yourself living in 15 years" answering "an apartment in the city").

So we met up. I found time to squeeze him in before a playwright's birthday party (and networking event for me). I apologized for the less than ideal time frame, but it was a first date anyways, so how long would it last? Eight hours, it turns out.

We met for dinner/drinks at a cute cafe in the Village. The conversation was easy, free flowing. And eating outside was a lovely treat after the long winter. After dinner, we agreed to take a walk, in the general direction of the bar where I had to meet Dolly. We ended up walking all 40 blocks there. Web Walter is pretty cute. Funny. And easy to talk to. Creative. Passionate. A lot of qualities I'm looking for. He's exactly my height, though, so I'm taller than him in heels. But if that's the only negative, I'm sure I could do a lot worse.

Looking in the Irish Pub, it looked empty, so I invited Web Walter to wait with me--but as we walked in, Dolly was sitting at the bar, and waved hello. I made introductions and the conversation was abruptly hijacked. The two of them chatted about obscure bands for the next half hour as if I wasn't there! But, hey, I'm glad they got along--Dolly tends to find most of my boys too "normal." As I nudged "We should go," Dolly blurted out "Are you coming to the party with us?" It seemed rude to not let him come at this point, so there we were. Not what I expected, but okay. His friends were meeting up with him around the corner, so I ended up arriving at the party with a full-on entourage of 4. Luckily no one seemed to mind.

MacB was at the party (long-time readers, remember him?). It was clear almost immediately that there was something between him and Dolly. As I mixed and mingled (Web Walter was very good about letting me do my own thing, he didn't seem to need babysitting at all). Though Web Walter and I stayed late (and did some seriously nice making out!), we were both ready to go while MacB and Dolly were still engrossed in each other's company. So we left them there, and said our goodbyes.

So now of course, I have a date tomorrow with a great guy that I get along with, but seem to really have a connection with Web Walter. What to do? If things go well with Web Walter, I'll have to say something to the Tall Ted.... Which is worse? "I met someone else," or "I don't feel a connection?"

Oh, and this morning when I got to work, I had an email from MacB. It read:

Polly--

As usual, it was great seeing you on Saturday night. Sorry we didn'tget to talk more, but I didn't want to cramp your date's style. Walter was his name, right? How did that all end up going, anyway?

I especially enjoyed meeting your friend, Dolly. She was...well, um...WOW! That's all I can say for the time being. She WOWed me. Otherwise, I'm rendered temporarily speechless. I definitely liked meeting her, though.

Hope you had a great Easter yesterday, and are enjoying a terrific day today. More later for you, my dear. ;)

~ MacB

Interesting....

The Gamekillers

2006-04-15T12:44:00.002-04:00

Has anyone seen these ads plastered all over the city? The Gamekillers. Characters that kill your game.

Well someone needs to add PUA Logan to the list.

Sarah and I headed out to see a show last night, and decided to catch a few drinks afterwards. We ended up at our typical LES haunt, started chatting it up with two fellows at the bar. Directly next to them was a hopa-looking guy (I have a weekness for the hopa boys). Sarah knows this, and was like "Oooh, that one's for you!" I agreed.

Since Sarah was peacocking with a shirt that says: "All Guys Lie ~~Except One~~", the Hopa boy turned to her and started chatting. "Crap," I thought, as he was very friendly and seemed into her. But they quickly involved me in the conversation and he began paying a lot of attention to me--and bought me a drink! We were having a great chat when PUA Logan showed up. As I greeted him hello, he said "Hey!! Is it true that (guy i slept with 3 years ago) has a J shaped dick?"

Now honestly, how is one to recover from this? I tried to laugh it off, but of course Hopa Boy was like "Really? Who was this? How did that work?" He wanted the full details. So now I come off as a total ho-bag--and my chances with him have been killed. After that our conversation didn't really go anywhere. I excused myself. Hopa boy asked for my number out of politeness, but I really don't think I'll be hearing from him.

You'd think a student of PUA tactics would know enough not to destroy someone else's game (it's not like he wanted to pick up the Hopa boy himself, right?), but I guess not.

Stupid gamekillers.

New Experiences with Tall Ted

2006-04-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

Tall Ted and I had a date last night. It was fun--ended up having a blast. The details:

We met up in midtown and headed to a cute Turkish place. Cheap, great food. (For any of you guys out there that argue you don't pay for a date's dinner because you don't want to date a golddigger, follow this guy's lead: he paid, but the dinner set him back all of 40 bucks. And it was great. And if I were a golddigger, that would be enough to put me off. But I'm not.) But because it was so early, we decided not to call it a night just yet. He's a ballroom dancer, and I love to swing dance, so we ended up at my fav Country Western bar, and two-stepped and swing danced. I loooooooove dancing--and any guy who can lead is a total winner in my book.

At the Turkish place, the lady at the next table bought us a round of drinks (something new!). When Tall Ted went to the bathroom, I thanked her, and she began asking questions. "Where are you from?" "Where is he from?" "Is this your first time out together?" "He's shy, isn't he?" I answered all her questions politiely.

On the date, we kissed quite a bit. Not bad. Though it was strange--he's so much taller than I am that I actually got a crick in my neck while making out. This has never happened before. What a strange experience. And I was in heels too!

He's total BF Potential, but I am a bit nervous about one thing: he grew up in the suburbs--and wants to return there! I have no interest in ever living in the suburbs. I think I'd kill myself if I had to live there. This was why Jersey Shore Boy and I broke up--we couldn't figure out what to do--he didn't want to live in Manhattan, I can't live in Jersey. And Tall Ted says he wants to raise kids in the suburbs. Yuck. I wonder how much he means that? Because that's a deal breaker for me...

Weekend Update

2006-04-10T19:00:00.000-04:00

Caught a great show this weekend. It's a walking tour/scavenger hunt/interactive play that takes place all over lower Manhattan. I totally loved it. The actors were great, the Mafioso plot was fun, and we even got refreshments along the way. If any of you have out-of-town guests, I highly recommend it, as it'll be fun for both you and them.

I ended up hanging out with some of the cast afterwards, and one of the actors (the most talented one!) asked for my number! What a week. First a cute Brit, then Tall Ted, and an actor? I've had a good week--and haven't even been trying.

Tall Ted called Sunday night. We have plans for a date this Wednesday. Hrm. Should be interesting. I wonder if he's as charming upon a second meeting?

Beyond the Bars....

2006-04-08T10:31:00.000-04:00

Single life is a cycle. You're up, you're down, sometimes working a full on Rotation, sometimes wallowing in your loneliness. Since Dolly's a bit tired of dating, as am I (I love that we're totally on the same page), we've taken a break from the bar scene. But we're also not the stay-at-home-and-watch-Meg Ryan-movies type, so we've been filling the weeks with new activities. Fun, different things, like the Eye-Gazing party, bonding with some fabulous bloggers, planning to hit a bookclub on Tuesday. And, lest you think we're joined at the hip, we've been doing our own thing, too. But none of these events have been expressely about meeting men. Far from it.And yet I've had one of my most sucessful boy weeks in recent memory.

Huh?

In addition to the creepy musician's phone call (I still haven't called back--I'm swamped!) and the cute Brit at the concert, I had an adorable encounter last night.

Willow and I are both taller girls, and do have trouble meeting tall men. They're out there, but when doing speed dating, or a lock and key party, or basically any singles event, it seems that most of the guys are short. And at the bars too. So, she thought it would be best to go to the source. Yes, Willow and I decided to check out the Tall Club of NYC.

With Dolly in tow for moral support, we hit their monthly happy hour event last night. Though it took us a bit to warm up, we were soon chatting with all the other tall folks, and yes, there were tall boys there. One seemed quite smitten with me. We chatted a bit, about jobs, NYC, the troubles of being tall, and my upcoming role as a famous sex symbol. He wanted to grab a bite afterwards, but Dolly & Willow were committed to hitting up their favorite bar afterwards (and we got the coolest, most amazing, fun tall club member to come with us! She's a doll.) so I had to decline. Instead, though, he handed me his business card as we were leaving (I gave him my number too). Written on the back was his cell phone and this note: "BTW: You're 10x cuter than (famous sex symbol's initials)."

Can everyone collectively "awhhhhh" with me? Adorable.

More Brits.... and hangovers

2006-04-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

Damn It Anyway and I went to see Leona Naess last night at the Bowery Ballroom. She was great, but didn't play anything I knew. But still it was fun. Why are all the great female singer/songwriters these days British? Just wondering...

If you're ever at the Bowery Ballroom, seriously, order the wine. They fill up these huge plastic cups, so really you're getting 2 glasses for the price of one! Yippee! I was smashed, and am still drunk/hungover. Not fun.

I was wearing my new skirt that makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe, so I wasn't surprised when, during the break between sets, a cute British boy started talking to me. Damn It Anyway wisely hung back (thanks!). The talk turned to what I'm looking for in a boyfriend--and he got my email. Damn It Anyway is sure he'll be in touch. I'm not, but hoping he will. A little short, though, but I'm still such a sucker for the accent. You'd think the British Scientist would have cured me, but no.

In other news, this summer theatre festival is presenting a great idea for a show--an ebay auction for the plot! Check it out!--I'd bid, if I had the $$....

The Independent Activity

2006-04-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

I've been really unhappy with myself lately in acting class. All of my activities seem to suck. My teacher (or "Acting Guru" as a friend likes to say) doesn't like them, says "they're not well crafted." Ug. And I don't know what's worse: that there is no end to the activities in sight (one fellow had the gall to ask in class last week--and incurred Guru's wrath) or that, as Guru puts it, "this is the foundation for your character work next year. If you can't craft a good activity, you can't craft a character." Shit. This is not good, considering I've had all of 3 activities that worked well (note that all of these are imaginary circumstances):

--My mother had cancer. I was learning to play her favorite song on the guitar to play at visiting hours. Of course, I cried in class.
--My bestest, most amazing friend from high school was moving to NY. I was throwing her a "This is Your New Life" party (all activities should have a theme of some sort). I was so happy and excited. It was great.
--My best activity was (I think) when my niece had died and I was making a video photo collage to play at her funeral. That one made me and my scene partner cry, it was so sad.

I've had a lot of crappy activities too. Most of them are not terrible but "don't bring me to a full emotional life" as Guru would say. They included:
--Some guy had tricked me into sleeping with him (I actually used this blog post as inspiration). I was going to paper his work area with flyers and wear a sandwich board. Right idea, Guru said, wrong activity. I should have picked something more fulfilling--dressing up as something, doing something worse than just posters/flyers. And making a poster doesn't really bring you to a full emotional life...
--My Mom and step-dad couldn't go to Hawaii for their wedding anniversary because my step-dad had a stroke(!) so I was creating Hawaii for them in my apartment. I was trying to be happy, but my activity was actually quite sad. So my emotions got all confused and locked up. Crap.
--One of my friend's boyfriends had done something crappy to her. I had a whole convoluted story for what he did, and as a result she was mad at me, and yada yada. I was going to disguise myself and fool them both. But since my story was way too complicated, I couldn't act it. Ug!
--One of my friends had betrayed me, so I was dressing up as Mata Hari to embarrass her publicly. Good theme, but it turns out I didn't really care too much--her betrayal wasn't that big a deal, I guess, in the end.
--I had forgotten to go to my parent's wedding anniversary, because I'm an idiot. Shit! So I was trying to learn a song to sing to make it up to them. Not a great song, and I wasn't really connected to the activity.

Well I guess all this reflection paid off, since today wasn't so bad--I gave my dad Alzheimers and was recording memories for him. I cried. But my "contact" work with my scene partner wasn't so good. But he's so darn cute it's hard for me to yell at him! *sigh*

Hell

2006-04-03T17:09:00.000-04:00

I feel like some days I want to post 15 times on here, and others not at all. Ah. The life of a blogger.

I saw the greatest show this weekend. Quite the opposite from the Jacques Brel disaster. It's called Hell, and is an operatic retelling of Dante's Inferno. Sounds terribly boring, right? But it's not. It's brilliant. It's all about the importance of live art. Live theatre, live poetry, live opera. And how it's still important, and still relevant in our society. And needs to be there. And how the powers that be (it's somewhat political) are crushing live arts, and feeding us pre-recorded images en masse. If you're in New York, and at all excited by opera, or theatre, or if you are a creative soul at all, you will love it. Go see it! Tickets are only $20. It only plays through this Sunday, though, so you've got to hurry!

Eye Gazing Too!

2006-04-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

So, as Dolly said, Thursday we went to our first ever eye-gazing party. It was an interesting experience, to say the least.

After plying ourselves with excessive amounts of alcohol, we sat down and were forced to gaze into the eyes of ~12 strangers, for two minutes each. Great music played in the background, which made the process easier, but it was certainly uncomfortable, especially in the beginning. I, of course, had a perpetual case of the giggles and did a lot of smiling with my partners. Some men were okay with that--others were not. At one point, when Dolly and I started cracking up, the fellow I was gazing with snapped at me, saying "It's not going to work if you're laughing!" Well, sorry, buddy, for having a good time! The rest of our gazing didn't go so well after that.

It was strange how different looking to each person's eyes was. One guy was so adorably nervous, the whole time I was gazing at him I was sending him "Calm down, it's alright" vibes. Another guy had been doing this for a few months and was super into it--and seemed to love gazing into everyone's eyes. Another disturbed me with his nearly imperceptible (but still noticable) lip movements. I got the feeling he was thinking about doing not nice things to me--somewhat inappropriate! And of course there were the good experiences too, a few guys that I really liked gazing at.

I did have fun, but at the end of the gazing we moved into the "mingling" part of the party--and here's where I felt things didn't go as well as they could. Since the structure of the party was so similar to speed dating, I guess I expected a similar ending--you can talk to people if you want, but if that hot guy you connected with leaves early, you still have a chance to "match" with him. But there were no score cards, no matches, so it was really a free-for-all at the end--and the two guys I really liked were talking to other women, and I'm not really the aggressive type, so c'est la vie. Dolly ended up talking to a cute actor, so of course Willow and I chatted up his friend. He seemed all right--tall, a musician, very polite (during the eye-gazing he moved his head so the light wouldn't be shining in my face--what a gentleman!). Somehow he got me to call his phone so we could hear his ring tone--which, uh oh, means he has my number. He did give off a bit of a creepy vibe. Not too much, but a bit--which was strange, because the actor Dolly was talking to seemed sooooo normal.

Of course the musician just called. His message was so cute--he was so clearly nervous, stuttering a bit, didn't know what to say. I have such a weakness for utter lack of game, I don't know why. But his vibe was a little off. What to do? Should I call him back?

Total Overwhelm

2006-03-30T12:13:00.000-05:00

Ug, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed this week.

I'm on a committee for one of the many summer theatre festivals in NYC, which means I have to read, like, a million scripts, and rate them all. Of course I'm behind schedule and have to read all of them in the next few days. There's nothing like staying up late and reading bad theatre to make you want to kill yourself--but the occasional gem I stumble upon makes it all worth while. Until all these scripts are evaluated, though, I'm at a total standstill. I can't do anything at all--my time is consumed by reading, reading, and more reading. And of course this is the week everyone wants me to do something--a friend had a reading of his new script yesterday (it was actually really really good!), had a theatre industry meeting on Tuesday, tonight Dolly and I are going to a new dating party (details tomorrow!), my Avon order is due, oh, and I have to find a new roommate.

Just keep breathing.

My date with Blackout Boy

2006-03-28T12:47:00.000-05:00

I arrived at the agreed-upon bar about 10 minutes late. Not what I had wanted to do (my plan was to arrive early and let him find me), but my rehearsal ran over. As I walked through the long, narrow bar, I feared the worst. I'd make a fool of myself, walk right by him, do something stupid and the date would never recover (I couldn't help but remember one disasterous date, when both of us showed up early and sat across the coffee shop for nearly an hour without realizing the other was there. Ug.).

I spotted a fellow sitting alone, and as I walked by he said "It looks like you're looking for someone." Clearly this was him. "I'm looking for you," I replied. "Blackout Boy?" We sat and talked for the next two hours.

He gets high points for manners. He rose to greet me, offered me the "cushioned" seat even though he was already sitting there (I declined), paid for our first round, and when I attempted to pay for the second round but was told by the bartender that they didn't take credit cards (I had no cash) he smoothly walked over to the bar and handed her a $20, no questions asked.

But I know what you're all wondering: is he cute?!

Honestly, it depends. I swear! It's the strangest thing. When he stands up, he is. He's very tall and looks nice and svelte. But somehow, when sitting, his flaws, nearly invisible when he stands, appear (like I'm one to judge). He somehow looks slightly dumpy--which is totally not the case at all! I don't get it.

The conversation was good, but he's such (as Dolly says) a normal. Typical suburban guy, moved to the city to work in finance and make $$. Has potential, and the manners thing scores him loads of extra points, and we did have a good chat. No love connection yet, but I'm not ruling out the possibility.

He walked me to the subway (of course--good manners!) and we parted with a hug. "We should do this again sometime," he offered. "I'd like that," I replied. We'll see if he calls!

He just called...

2006-03-27T16:59:00.000-05:00

...we're meeting for drinks tonight. Short notice, I know, but I'm booked up every other night this week--and I want to meet this guy!

Crap. I'm in VERY casual gear. Oh well, it'll have to do!

No Blackout Boy update

2006-03-27T16:23:00.000-05:00

So, Blackout Boy called Saturday afternoon to invite me to drinks that night--ug! I, of course, had made plans. He said nothing about Sunday, though, and said he'd call me early in the week to try to do something after work this week. I don't know if I'll hear from him--I'm getting the impression that he thinks I'm too difficult to make plans with, which is semi-true, if you don't book me in advance, I fill up my schedule pretty quick. So this may be a no go!

*sigh* I wanted to meet him so....

Jacques Brel is not doing so well

2006-03-26T12:19:00.000-05:00

Got to catch the new off-Broadway revival of Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris this weekend. What a disappointment.

This show originally premiered off-Broadway in the late 60s and ran for years. It was a total hit. Critics and audiences loved this cute 4-person revue, with its dark themes of love and loss. My mom (who I went to the show with) saw the original production and loved it. But this revival has totally missed the mark. The director has rearranged and changed a bunch of songs, adding new translations. The cast is good, but in that phony Broadway-style of acting, not actual real moments (okay, two actors are okay, Robert Cuccioli is great and Natascia Diaz has moments that are real and touching, but ruins them with her phony Broadway fakeness from time to time. And don't even get me started on Rodney Hicks.) And worst of all, the last moment of the play, the beautiful amazingly touching song, "If We Only Have Love" has been destroyed. Instead of letting it be the ballad that it is, perfect and simple, it's been rearranged into this triumphant marching Les Mis-"Do you hear the people sing" -type piece. Which does not work at all. Basically they've taken this gorgeous song and ruined it--and that's the last moment of the show!!!

I honestly think I could see a better production in some summer stock or community theatre. This production is one to skip.

Blogger Meetup!

2006-03-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

OMG, last night was soooo much fun! It was great to finally meet so many anonybloggers at last. Dolly procured nametags, so we all wore our fake names. Cheesy, but so much fun! I literally squeeled with glee when Betty on the Beach showed up--we've been reading each other's blogs for so long, it was great to finally meet!

The guest list (in order of arrival):
Polly
Dolly
Betty
Becca
Pawlr
Zinegrrl
Downtown Chic
Avenue Elle
Josh
Caryn
Bama Girl
Monkey
ActorSerf
Dahlia
Madeline
Jen
Damn It Anyway
Drunken Mouse
Caitlin
Pookalu
Alpha

Everyone was so much fun. I think my favorite quote of the evening, personally, after mentioning the AVON thing was from Jen, who said, "Wow, that's so uncool, it's almost cool." Ha.

Everyone seemed to think this should be a monthly occurence--Dolly and I are setting it up!

So excited!!!

2006-03-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

Wow, I'm so excited! Our NYC blogger happy hour is tonight, in just a few hours. For those of you that will be attending, I can't wait to meet you!

Blackout Boy Phonetag...

2006-03-22T19:18:00.000-05:00

I think I'm addicted to my new blog. 3 posts today??

Just got off the phone with Blackout Boy. We've been playing phone tag since he called on Sunday. At last, tonight, we got a hold of each other.

We just had the NICEST conversation! He totally was asking all the right questions, about my acting career, we shared our dream jobs, etc. He seems like he's totally on the same page as me. And he must be tall and cute, otherwise I wouldn't have given him my number, right? Let's hope so.

Tentative plans for Sunday brunch. We'll see what happens--if I can even recognize the guy!

How did this happen?

2006-03-22T17:27:00.000-05:00

So, it seems everyone is baffled that I'm an AVON lady. How does a cute, single, Manhattan girl become an AVON lady, you ask?

Well, as y'all know, I'm an actress. Which means perpetual empty pockets. A couple of years ago I saw all those mark. ads on TV, and checked out their website. And I just fell in love with the products. Adorable! So I started clicking around, and ordered a whole bunch of stuff. It came to about $100 in my little shopping cart. Well, everywhere on the site are little ads saying "become a mark. rep! Get 40% off!" so I figured, worst case scenario, I get 40% off my order, and why not?

When I showed the catalogs to my friends, they thought the stuff was adorable too. It was so easy to sell, I made a bunch of easy $$ right up front, doing absolutely nothing. I was hooked. The rest is history, it's 2 years later, and I'm still selling. It's interesting doing it in Manhattan--I get a LOT of resistance from people who are "too cool" for the AVON stuff (and I know where that's coming from). But the skin care products are amazing, so a lot of people get hooked that way. I do okay, not as well as I'd like, but not bad either. For someone that has an erratic schedule, and is always short on cash, it's not a bad thing.

President's Club

2006-03-22T12:35:00.000-05:00

So the third thing that occupies my time is my Avon business. As with any selling organization, there are all sorts of little awards and such, and the first level of selling excellence is called "President's Club." When you win, you get a cheezy statue, called a Mrs. Albee. Isn't she pretty? You also get to go to a silly dinner in June. I could care less about that, but I want the statue. Oh, and most importantly, you get a guaranteed discount on all your orders, which is really key.

Of course, I haven't been focusing on Avon this year, what with school and all, so I'm a thousand dollars short of making it. My impassioned plea: Does anyone out there need bug spray, makeup, skin care, shaving cream (the men's shaving cream is supposed to be the best EVER, I hear), DVDs, easter tchotchkes, or Mother's Day presents? avon.com is offering free shipping, and if you use this link before April 1, I'll get credit.

Whadya say? What can I do for y'all in return? Any ideas? I'll be happy to do what I can.....

Meisner Primer

2006-03-21T19:14:00.000-05:00

Wow, this is great! Even if I have no dating news, I can share other things in my life now. Like my acting class:

I'm currently in a 2-year Meisner training program. There are a few of these in the city, and I'm in a small, but amazingly good one (at least in my opinion). It's funny, because I've been taking acting classes my entire life at some top notch places (my undergrad is a top program, and I've done a summer intensive at one of the top MFA programs). This is the first time that I actually feel I'm getting real, applicable, training.

The first year of Meisner training really focuses on two exercises. The famous repetition exercise, which goes a little something like this, or at least it did in rehearsal today:
My scene partner: "You look like a gumdrop."
Me: "I look like a gumdrop?"
"Yes, you look like a gumdrop."
"That's not a very nice thing to say."
"That's not a very nice thing to say?"
"You don't understand that?"
"Um, well I guess I understand that.." etc, etc.
The point of this exercise is to force the actor to really listen to what the other is saying. It's amazing how many actors you see on stage that are doing their own thing, so that it doesn't really matter what their scene partner is doing. Not very life-like, huh?

The other exercise, which we've been working on for almost the whole year so far, is the Independent Activity. Now this is harder to explain, but I'll do my best.

There are two people, I'll call them A and B. Every other class you switch, so one class you're A, the next you're B, then back to A, and on and on. Person A has the Independent Activity, while B waits outside, then knocks on the door to come in (there are a few variations of this, but generally B knocks on the door).

A has to craft an Independent Activity with the following requirements:
--It must be difficult to do. In the early stages of class, this might be something nearly impossible like forging a signature perfectly, exactly copying a painting, etc. Later on, the activity can be less difficult, but still has to be hard.
--You must have a simple, specific reason for doing what you're doing. Like learning how to play a song on the guitar to play for your mother in the hospital. If the reason were true, would you do everything you could to get the activity done? At this point we're using "life-altering" circumstances, like a family member's illness/death, or getting a part in a Broadway show.
--You need a personal consequence if you fail, i.e. "I'll break my mother's heart," "I won't be able to go on this trip."
--You need a specific time frame, i.e. 2 hours, 3 hours, etc. If you don't get it done in the time frame, you will fail.

In the meantime, B has to come to the door with an emotional preparation based on their own circumstance, for example, B just got accepted into a 1-month Yoga training program she's been dreaming about going to for years. The circumstance must be very personal to work effectively.

So A is working on their activity and B knocks on the door. And a scene is born. You have two people with different emotional lives--when done well, the result is fascinating.

What's the point of all this, though? Well, the key concept behind the Meisner work is that your attention is always on the "other." A's attention is on their activity, B's attention is on A. This work forces you to really put your attention on something outside yourself--which is great because it forces you to act naturally. You can't "fake" this stuff. It's so easy to "pretend" to do your activity, but we're forced to really do it. Yes, there is a difference.

Anyway, this is my "primer" on the work I'm doing in class. Thought I'd explain it to y'all so when I refer to this stuff in the future, you'll have some clue what I'm talking about....

Blackout Boy

2006-03-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

So, last week, when out with Snob, Elle, and Dolly, I had a great time. Came home, woke up the next day, thought to myself "I had a great time! No boys, but every night can't be a night for boys."

Well, apparently it was a night for boys. Or one boy.

On my vacation my cell phone rang. In Jamaica, Verizon phones work, but caller ID doesn't. So you can't screen your calls. I pick up.
"Hi.... Pauly?"
"Um, Polly, yeah?"
"This is Blackout Boy. We met at <> last week?"
"Uh.... what night was that? Thursday?"
"Yeah, you don't remember?"
"Uh.... sure!"
"Don't worry, that night was kinda a blur for me too."

I have absolutely no recollection of meeting this guy. We talked briefly, I asked him to call me when I got back from my trip. So, of course, I pick up the phone and call Dolly.

"Did I meet someone on Thursday when we were out with Snob and Elle?"
"Um.... where?"
"At <>? I don't remember. He just called."
"Yeah, when we were all leaving. You were talking to some guy, and we wanted to leave so I told him, 'just ask for her # already,' and he did."
"Was he cute?"
"I don't really remember, but he must have been, or you wouldn't have given him your #..."
"True, true...."

Of course this gentleman did call again, last night. I wonder how I'm going to meet up with someone that I can't remember?

Bad Students

2006-03-10T17:22:00.000-05:00

Ug. My entire acting class just got reamed, just as we leave for spring break.

We've been working on scenes, and we are all exhausted. This work is so emotional--breaking down 2-3 times a week takes its toll, and it's hard as well--our teacher expects so much of us and won't accept anything less than our personal best, every day. Since we're all so tired, we've let the "independent activity" go by the wayside. Today was our first day back doing the independent activity. Ug. It sucked.

I was the person at the door today. So my scene partner was doing her activity, and I'm knocking on her door, because I need something from her (Today I needed to borrow her French Berlitz tapes). Usually the person doing the activity is doing something pretty strange, and we have to respond to each moment, what they're doing. And I was dropping moments left and right. One of the first things she says to me was "You look creamy." I responded with "Are you doing aerobics?" (she was dressed in an aerobic outfit). NO! I should have responded to her "creamy" statement. Who says that? What a strange thing to say. I needed to respond to her strange statement, before moving on to the aerobics. Ug.

I wasn't the only person who sucked. Most people did better than I did, but there wasn't a lot of good work--and we certainly heard about it at the end of class. Aii!

Our teacher wants us to think about wheather we're prepared to work. "Being an artist takes everything," she said. If we can't do the work, she doesn't want us in the class!

When she dismissed us, everyone just sat around, in silence, in their chairs for a good 10 minutes. We didn't know how to react. What a crappy feeling.

But, good news, we switched scene partners--I'm with one of the best guys in the class--he's completely open, available, great to work with. Should be exciting....

Tabula Rasa

2006-03-08T07:51:00.000-05:00

It's time for a fresh start. A clean start. A blank slate. Tabula rasa.

My old blog had too much baggage. A group blog without a group. Too many "discoveries" that I couldn't deal with. And, perhaps, too much personal information. I need to start again.

A clean start. So here goes:

I am currently single. When you start a relationship with someone, you start (hopefully!) with a blank slate.

I am an actress. As an actor, I need to be a blank slate for the writer and director's vision.

To make ends meet, among other things, I am an AVON lady. I do makeovers--and a clean face, to me, is a blank slate.

Tabula rasa. Welcome.